Comments on: Sagunto LAUGHS http://saguntostar.com Online newsletter for the citizens of Sagunto, Sison, Pangasinan, Philippines Mon, 01 Dec 2008 18:41:33 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.6.2 By: emz http://saguntostar.com/sagunto-laughs/#comment-15524 emz Thu, 20 Nov 2008 05:58:24 +0000 http://saguntostar.com/sagunto-laughs/#comment-15524 Okay...I copied this from our e-list mail.(jill's post) ..Sounds funny, so enjoy it. It's application season again as lately, lots were laid off from jobs. How's it going there in USA? This joke is about your seniors in the USA. ems ----------------------------------------- The job application E-mail This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Wal-Mart in Porterville. They actually hired him because he was so honest and funny. NAME: George Martin SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least, one who'll cooperate). DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m.! Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do You have a car that runs?" HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? : I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me. DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no, on my breaks - no. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh Yes, Absolutely. Okay…I copied this from our e-list mail.(jill’s post) ..Sounds funny, so enjoy it. It’s application season again as lately, lots were laid off from jobs. How’s it going there in USA? This joke is about your seniors in the USA.
ems
—————————————–
The job application E-mail
This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen
submitted to Wal-Mart in Porterville.
They actually hired him because he was so honest and funny.

NAME: George Martin
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least,
one who’ll cooperate).
DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But
seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky,
I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.DESIRED SALARY:
$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance
package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and
post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m.! Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a
more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM
LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would
be “Do You have a car that runs?”
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? : I may already
be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no, on my breaks - no.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas
with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I’m
the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing
that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Oh Yes, Absolutely.

]]> By: boydict http://saguntostar.com/sagunto-laughs/#comment-15300 boydict Sun, 05 Oct 2008 03:12:12 +0000 http://saguntostar.com/sagunto-laughs/#comment-15300 PARENTAL GUIDANCE Once there was a family who was given some venison by a friend. The wife cooked up the DEER steaks, and served it to the husband and children. The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what it was that they were eating. "Is is beef?" The daughter Katie asked. "Nope." "Is it pork?" the son Willie asked. "Nope." "Heck, we don't know, Dad!" Willie exclaimed. "I'll give you a clue," the Dad said, "It's what your mom sometimes calls me." "Spit it out, Willie!" cried Katie, "We're eating Asshole!" ======================================= A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed. "Have you any last requests?" asked the Chaplain. "Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?" PARENTAL GUIDANCE

Once there was a family who was given some venison by a friend. The wife cooked up the DEER steaks, and served it to the husband and children. The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what it was that they were eating.
“Is is beef?” The daughter Katie asked.
“Nope.”
“Is it pork?” the son Willie asked.
“Nope.”
“Heck, we don’t know, Dad!” Willie exclaimed.
“I’ll give you a clue,” the Dad said, “It’s what your mom sometimes calls me.”
“Spit it out, Willie!” cried Katie, “We’re eating Asshole!”
=======================================
A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.
“Have you any last requests?” asked the Chaplain.
“Yes,” replied the murderer. “Will you hold my hand?”

]]> By: emz http://saguntostar.com/sagunto-laughs/#comment-15264 emz Thu, 25 Sep 2008 14:19:26 +0000 http://saguntostar.com/sagunto-laughs/#comment-15264 An afwj friend shared this through our email list...worth thinking about, hehe. Who do you side with? ---------------- A friend sent me this joke today, and I thought I`d pass this one. If you haven`t had a laugh today, here goes: A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. 'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.' 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.' A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?' Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora' ), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their logic; 2. The language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador') , because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on; 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves; 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better one. The women won. Hak hak hak hak! An afwj friend shared this through our email list…worth thinking about, hehe. Who do you side with?
—————-
A friend sent me this joke today, and I thought I`d pass this one.
If you haven`t had a laugh today, here goes:

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

‘House’ for instance, is feminine: ‘la casa.’

‘Pencil,’ however, is masculine: ‘el lapiz.’

A student asked, ‘What gender is ‘computer’?’

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer’ should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men’s group decided that ‘computer’ should definitely be of the feminine gender (’la computadora’ ), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their logic;

2. The language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (’el computador’) , because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better one.

The women won.

Hak hak hak hak!

]]> By: evz http://saguntostar.com/sagunto-laughs/#comment-15227 evz Wed, 17 Sep 2008 01:17:41 +0000 http://saguntostar.com/sagunto-laughs/#comment-15227 hahha nice break! hahha nice break!

]]> By: Jeanette http://saguntostar.com/sagunto-laughs/#comment-15222 Jeanette Tue, 16 Sep 2008 18:03:40 +0000 http://saguntostar.com/sagunto-laughs/#comment-15222 WHEN IT COMES TO "LAKAS LOOB" HINDI PATATALO ANG PINOY Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new Chairman for Microsoft Europe. 5000 candidates assembled in a large room. One candidate was MARIO DIMAYUGA. Bill Gates: 'Thank you for coming. Those who do not know jAVA may leave.' 2,000 people left the room. MARIO said to himself, 'I do not know JAVA but I have nothing to lose if I stay. I'll give it a try.' Bill Gates: 'Candidates who never had experience of managing more than 100 people may leave.' 2000 people left the room. Mario said to himself, 'I never managed anybody but myself but I have nothing to lose if I stay. What can happen to me?' So he stayed. Bill Gates: 'Candidates who do not have management diplomas may leave.' 500 people left the room. Mario said to himself, 'I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose?' So he stayed in the room. Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbo-Croat to leave. 498 people left the room. Mario says to himself, 'I do not speak one word of Serbo-Croat but what do I have to lose?' So he stayed and found himself with one other candidate. Everyone else had gone. Bill Gates joined them and said 'Apparently you two are the only candidates who speak Serbo-Croat, so I'd now like to hear you converse in that language.' Calmly, Mario turned to the other candidate and said, 'Kumusta ka, pare ko.' The other candidate answered, 'Mabuti naman, ikaw?' WHEN IT COMES TO “LAKAS LOOB” HINDI PATATALO ANG PINOY

Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new Chairman for Microsoft Europe.
5000 candidates assembled in a large room.

One candidate was MARIO DIMAYUGA.

Bill Gates: ‘Thank you for coming. Those who do not know jAVA may leave.’

2,000 people left the room.

MARIO said to himself, ‘I do not know JAVA but I have nothing to lose if I stay. I’ll give it a try.’

Bill Gates: ‘Candidates who never had experience of managing more than 100 people may leave.’

2000 people left the room.

Mario said to himself, ‘I never managed anybody but myself but I have nothing to lose if I stay. What can happen to me?’ So he stayed.

Bill Gates: ‘Candidates who do not have management diplomas may leave.’

500 people left the room.

Mario said to himself, ‘I left school at 15 but what have I got to
lose?’ So he stayed in the room.

Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbo-Croat to leave.

498 people left the room.

Mario says to himself, ‘I do not speak one word of Serbo-Croat but what do I have to lose?’

So he stayed and found himself with one other candidate.

Everyone else had gone.

Bill Gates joined them and said ‘Apparently you two are the only candidates who speak Serbo-Croat, so I’d now like to hear you converse in that language.’

Calmly, Mario turned to the other candidate and said,

‘Kumusta ka, pare ko.’

The other candidate answered,

‘Mabuti naman, ikaw?’

]]> By: Jer http://saguntostar.com/sagunto-laughs/#comment-15036 Jer Tue, 26 Aug 2008 03:27:08 +0000 http://saguntostar.com/sagunto-laughs/#comment-15036 For the administrators or those who are planning to put up a new company .. try using this new company policies that will surely help in employee's productivity level. Gudluck na lang.. *Dress Code* It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore do not need a raise. *Sick Days* We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. *Personal Days* Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday. *Toilet Use* Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of the three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy! You are allowed to use the rest room only thrice a day and you have to swipe in and out from the toilet doors also. *Lunch Break* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a slim fast. *Mails* Don't read junk and forwarded mails. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, All questions, comments,concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere. The Management. For the administrators or those who are planning to put up a new company .. try using this new company policies that will surely help in employee’s productivity level. Gudluck na lang..

*Dress Code*

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore do not need a raise.

If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore do not need a raise.

*Sick Days*

We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness.

If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

*Personal Days*

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

*Toilet Use*

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls.

At the end of the three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.

After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offenders category”.

Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company’s mental health policy!

You are allowed to use the rest room only thrice a day and you have to swipe in and out from the toilet doors also.

*Lunch Break*

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a slim fast.

*Mails*

Don’t read junk and forwarded mails.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company.

We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore,

All questions, comments,concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management.

]]> By: Jer http://saguntostar.com/sagunto-laughs/#comment-15034 Jer Tue, 26 Aug 2008 03:15:49 +0000 http://saguntostar.com/sagunto-laughs/#comment-15034 Sa Math Class... Teacher: Banong, kung meron akong 1 piraso ng karne at hinati ko ito, ilang piraso na? Banong: 2 po mam! Teacher: At kung hnati ko pa pareho? Banong: 4 na piraso po! Teacher: Hinati ko ulit. Banong: 8 piraso po. Teacher: Hinati ko pa. Banong: 16 po mam. Teacher: Hinati ko pa? Banong: 32 piraso na po! Teacher: Kung hinati ko ulit? Banong: 64 po! (nakangiti) Teacher: At hinati ko pa? 2 beses ko pang hinati? Banong: Ay susmaryosep mam! GINILING napo! GINILING!!! SA BAKERY… Pulubi: Palimos po ng cake. Ale: Aba, sosyal ka ah! Namalimos ka lang, gusto mo pang cake.. eto pandesal! Pulubi: Duh! Ate?! Bday ko kaya today?!? ANAK: Tay mag-ingat kayo sa DANKTRAK!. TATAY: ano ung danktrak? ANAK: Yunn pong trak na 10 ang gulong na karga buhangin… TATAY: Tanga inde danktrak un...TEN MILLER!!! Honeymoon: BRIDE: Kinakabahan ako. Baka di ko makaya.. Parang natatakot ako. GROOM- Kaya mo ito. Diba dati may alaga kang ahas? BRIDE- Oo nga, pero takot talaga ako sa UOD!! BOY: Wala akong kwentang anak para sa inyo! Lahat ng ginagawa ko puro mali! Lagi nalang ako mali!!! Di 'nyo na ako mahal! AMA: Nagkakamali ka anak… BOY: Shet! Mali na naman ako!!! Nanay: Ang lakas mo kumain pero di ka mautusan. Ang kapal mo! Anak: Kapag yung baboy natin mlakas kumain, natutuwa ka. Sino b talaga ang anak mo, ako o ung baboy? Umayos ka nay! Wag ganun! BF : May ibibigay akong gift sayo, pero hulaan mo muna! GF: Sige, clue naman... BF: Kailangan ito ng leeg mo. GF: Kwintas? BF: Hindi... PANGHILOD! SMILE!!! (Sa loob ng Mall) GUY: LOVE, yan ang dati kong girlfriend. Jowa: Ang pangit pangit naman! GUY: Wala akong magagawa, yan talaga ang weakness ko ever since... JUDGE: Ano ba talaga nangyari? ERAP: … (di nagsasalita) JUDGE: Sumagot ka sa tanong. ERAP: Naman eh!!! Kala ko ba hearing lang to??? Bakit may speaking? NARS: doc, bat tinanggihan nyo yung pasyente? DR: alin, yung bakla? NARS: opo. Baka sabihin namimili tayo, porket bading siya. DR: ano naman raraspahin ko sa kanya? Things you don't want to hear during your own surgery: -san yung gunting na bago? Bat may kalawang to? -10ml? may nakasurvive na ba dyan? Sabi ko 5ml lang! -doc, ubos na po pala yung anesthesia. -kanina pa bukas yung tiyan, asan yung pantahi? -sunog! Sunog! Labas lahat! ========= inspiring quote of the day: "hindi ako tamad. Hindi ko lang alam kung saan ko ibubuhos kasipagan ko." ========= 'dear te, dear te, dear te!!!' -sigaw ni Anabel Rama kay Lorin at Veniz (mga anak ni Rofa) habang naglalaro ng tubig sa kanal. ========= MRS: hon, am I pretty or ugly? MR: uhm.. both.. MRS: anong both? Pwedeng pretty and ugly? MR: ang ibig ko sabihin, you're pretty ugly. ========= AMO: inday, paalisin mo nga yung pulubi sa labas ng bahay. (nilabas ni Inday) INDAY: off you go! Under no circumstance this house would relent to such unabashed display of vagrant destitution! PULUBI: oh! I'm so ashamed! Such a mansion of social climbing freaks! (nakakuha na ng katapat si Inday!) NOSEBLEED!!! .hehehe ========== TRIVIA: do you know how they make rubber gloves in China ? Workers deep their hands into melted latex, then air-dry them. Now guess how they make condoms? =========== in a miss gay pageant: HOST: how can we uplift our economy today even though we are under economic crisis? BAKLA: (namutla) mga bakla! Akala ko ba miss gay ito? Quizbee pala! =========== Sexy girl nagkukumpisal: PARI: iha, ano ang iyong ikukumpisal? SEXY: father, pag nakakarinig po ako ng lalaking nagmumura di ko mapigilan sarili ko na yayain siya magsex! PARI: 'tang ina! Di nga? =========== The Philippine presidents flying in a plane. GMA: what if I throw a check for a million pesos out the window to make at least 1 Filipino happy? CORY: but my dear, why don't you throw 2 checks for half a million each and thus make 2 Filipinos happy? RAMOS: why not throw four checks for a quarter of a million each and make four Filipinos happy? And on it went until finally, Erap blurts out: "but madam president, why not simply throw yourself out of the window and make all the Filipinos happy?" ============ a great example of globalization: princess Diana, a Welsh princess with an Egyptian fiancé, crashed in a French tunnel while riding in a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, chased by Italian paparazzis on Japanese big bikes. An American doctor tried to save them using Brazilian meds. This message was made by a Filipino on a Finnish Nokia phone smuggled from China by a Pakistani based in Quiapo. ============ MEKANIKO: sir, hindi ko po naayos preno ng kotse niyo. CUSTOMER: ha?! Pano yan? MEKANIKO: nilakasan ko na lang po ang inyong busina! Happy trip na lang po! ============ = kung nag GAY LANGUAGE sana sila GMA at GARCI eh di walang SCAM! GMA: hallow gracia! GARCI: uy mother ever! Na chenilyn de kimberlyn ko na po yung mga chuva eke k. GMA: bonggacious! Eh yung mga chenes chenes, carry na ba? GARCI: flatshoes! Winnie santos mama, wiz na wori eclavou na ever! Na chorva na! GMA: ang tarushki! Maldita ka talaga vruha ka! Eh di windra na naman watashi?! GARCI: anufi ate. GMA: oshah ba. ============ Divorced father: anak pag-uwi mo bigay mo sa nanay mo itong cheke at sabihin mo 18 yrs old ka na, huling cheke na makukuha niya for child support tapos tignan mo kung ano ang expression ng face niya. Anak: mom, sabi ni dad bigay ko daw sayo itong cheke, last support na niya ito sakin kasi 18 na ako. Pagkatapos tignan ko daw expression ng face mo. Mom: sa susunod na pagbisita mo sa kanya paki sabi salamat sa suporta kahit di mo siya tatay! Pagkatapos tignan mo expression ng face niya! ============ Anong sabi ng centipede nung may nakasalubong siyang isang centipede? "uy pare. Apir!apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!.... ...... ============ a boss confused about his Math asked his secretary: If I give you P3M less 17%, how much would you take off? SECRETARY: everything sir! Dress, bra, panty! ============ TEACHER: mga bata, alam niyo ba na ang bawat butil ng palay ay galing sa dugo't pawis ng mga magsasaka? MGA BATA: eeewwww! ============ BOY: is this your first time? GIRL: (angrily) oo naman noh. You guys talaga. So kuleeet! Always asking me the same question. Paulit-ulit. Hmp! ============ magsyota sa motel. BF: alam mo love, ikaw ang first girl na dinala ko dito. GF: sinungaling. Sabi nila lagi ka dito! BF: oo, pero ikaw lang talaga ang girl! ============ STUDENT: ma'am, pagagalitan niyo po ba ako sa bagay na hindi ko naman ginawa? TEACHER: natural hindi. STUDENT: good, di ko po ginawa assignment ko! ============ TITSER: bat ka na-late? EDWARD: nawalan ho kasi ng 500 yung lalaki. TITSER: tinulungan mo siyang maghanap? EDWARD: hindi po, tinapakan ko lang hanggang umalis siya. ============ a thirsty city girl went to a barrio GIRL: where galling your water manong? MATANDA: sa ilog ineng. GIRL: ha? You drink that water manong? MATANDA: duhhh! Why, sa syudad ba chine-chew? ============ = DEATH of MR.BEAN'S MOTHER Mr Bean: (crying) the doctor just called up, my mom's dead. Friend: condolence, my friend. (after 2 minutes, Mr. Bean cries even louder.) Friend: what now, Mr. Bean? Mr Bean: my sister just called. Her mom died too. ============ = NOEL: ipapangalan ko sa aking anak " LEON " baliktad ng Noel. NINO: sa akin ONIN baliktad ng NINO. TOTO: wag niyo akong maisali-sali dyan sa usapan niyo! ============ = Sinoli ni Erap ang libro sa library. ERAP: sobrang dami ng characters wala naman storya. LIBRARIAN: kayo pala kumuha ng telephone directory namin! ============ = JAIME ZOBEL DE AYALA: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Spanish. HENRY SY: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Chinese. LITO ATIENZA: 1/2 Hawaiian, 1/2 Polo. MIKE ARROYO: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 pork. JOHN OSMENA: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Pinay. PROSPERO PICHAY: 1/2 Unggoy, 1/2 gulay. GMA: 1/2 ... only. ============ == MR: hon promise simula ngayon, iiwan ko na ang mga kabit ko. MRS: wow. Thank you love. Ako naman, I promise, ang susunod nating anak, ikaw na ang ama. Promise talaga. ============ == sa sabungan, walang entrance fee ang may dalang panabong. Si Juan para makalibre pumasok may dalang inahin. BANTAY: [sinita si Juan] ano yan? JUAN: [galit pa!] manok! BANTAY: alam ko, eh bakit inahin? JUAN: may laban ang mister niya, siyempre moral support bobo! ============ == GF: magaling! At sino tong baby na nagtext sayo? BF: ah eh kumpare ko yun! Lalake yun! Baby lang palayaw. GF: oh eto replyan mo. Hindi daw kayo tuloy at may mens daw ang tarantado! ============ == INA: anak, tawagan mo nga tatay mo sa celfon. Pauwiin mo dito. [pagkatapos tawagan.] ANAK: nay, babae po ang sumagot. INA: lintik, sinasabi ko na nga ba, may tinatago yang tatay mo eh! Anong sabi? ANAK: 'you only have zero pesos in your account...' hindi ko na tinapos nay mukhang matapobre. ============ == nagbubungkal ng lupa si Erap para magtanim. Akala ng nakakita niloloko lang siya dahil wala naman siyang tinatanim. BANTAY: sir, wala naman kayong tinatanim ah. ERAP: bobo! Seedless to! ============ == ANAK: nay, ano po ba yung 10 commandments? NANAY: yun yung sampung utos ng Diyos. ANAK: mas makapangyarihan pa po pala kayo sa Diyos eh! NANAY: bakit? ANAK: ang dami niyong utos eh! ============ == HISTORY 101: JUDAS: anong gimik yang hinuhugasan ni Magda ang paa ni Bossing? PETER: wag kang makialam, darating ang araw at tatawagin yang FOOT SPA. ============ == PEDRO: niloko ko yung tindera kanina. JUAN: paano mo naman niloko yung tindera? PEDRO: nagpaload ako eh wala naman akong celfon. ============ == paramihan ng anak. HAPONESA: pumasok, bitbit 10 anak. (palakpakan) AMERIKANA: pumasok, bitbit 20 anak. (palakpakan) PINAY: pumasok, sigawan ang audience! "GO NAY!!" DORAY: mare, kulang pa kami ng isang miyembro. baka gusto mong sumali sa paluwagan. PINANG : hindi pa ako pwede, mare. DORAY: bakit mare? PINAY: virgin pa kasi ako. ============ ==== ERAP SA PIZZA HUT WAITER: sir, do you want me to cut your pizza into 4 slices or 8 slices? ERAP: into four na lang, masyadong marami yung eight. di ko mauubos. ============ === AMO: inday, kunin mo nga yung VOGUE magazine! INDAY: mam, vogyu hindi vog. AMO: inday, vog ang tamang pagbigkas. INDAY: o sige na nga mam VOG na, there's no need to ARG. ============ === pano sasabihin sa isang girl na maitim ang kili-kili niya without hurting his feelings? "ganda ng deodorant mo ha, kiwi?" ============ === Si Erap nakabasag ng vase sa Museum, yung attendant nataranta. ATTENDANT: naku sir, more than 500 years old na po yang vase. ERAP: hay salamat. Akala ko bago! ============ === Overheard from a girl na galit sa kararating na boyfriend sa starbucks: GIRL: my God, you're so late. Where did you . . . where have you. . . where do you. . . san ka ba galing? ============ === Sa Math Class... Teacher: Banong, kung meron akong 1 piraso ng karne at hinati ko ito, ilang piraso na? Banong: 2 po mam! Teacher: At kung hnati ko pa pareho? Banong: 4 na piraso po! Teacher: Hinati ko ulit. Banong: 8 piraso po. Teacher: Hinati ko pa. Banong: 16 po mam. Teacher: Hinati ko pa? Banong: 32 piraso na po! Teacher: Kung hinati ko ulit? Banong: 64 po! (nakangiti) Teacher: At hinati ko pa? 2 beses ko pang hinati? Banong: Ay susmaryosep mam! GINILING napo! GINILING!!! SA BAKERY… Pulubi: Palimos po ng cake. Ale: Aba, sosyal ka ah! Namalimos ka lang, gusto mo pang cake.. eto pandesal! Pulubi: Duh! Ate?! Bday ko kaya today?!? ANAK: Tay mag-ingat kayo sa DANKTRAK!. TATAY: ano ung danktrak? ANAK: Yunn pong trak na 10 ang gulong na karga buhangin… TATAY: Tanga inde danktrak un...TEN MILLER!!! Honeymoon: BRIDE: Kinakabahan ako. Baka di ko makaya.. Parang natatakot ako. GROOM- Kaya mo ito. Diba dati may alaga kang ahas? BRIDE- Oo nga, pero takot talaga ako sa UOD!! BOY: Wala akong kwentang anak para sa inyo! Lahat ng ginagawa ko puro mali! Lagi nalang ako mali!!! Di 'nyo na ako mahal! AMA: Nagkakamali ka anak… BOY: Shet! Mali na naman ako!!! Nanay: Ang lakas mo kumain pero di ka mautusan. Ang kapal mo! Anak: Kapag yung baboy natin mlakas kumain, natutuwa ka. Sino b talaga ang anak mo, ako o ung baboy? Umayos ka nay! Wag ganun! Magsyota naglalakad sa park: GF: Hon, ihi muna ako BF: Dyan ka nalang sa damuhan... Habang umiihi, kinapkap ni BF ang legs ni GF nang may mahawakan syang mahaba sa gitna nito... BF: Anak ng?! Bading ka ba o nagpalit na ng kasarian?? GF: Sira! Nagpalit lang ako ng desisyon… Tumatae na ako… BF : May ibibigay akong gift sayo, pero hulaan mo muna! GF: Sige, clue naman... BF: Kailangan ito ng leeg mo. GF: Kwintas? BF: Hindi... PANGHILOD! SMILE!!! (Sa loob ng Mall) GUY: LOVE, yan ang dati kong girlfriend. Jowa: Ang pangit pangit naman! GUY: Wala akong magagawa, yan talaga ang weakness ko ever since... JUDGE: Ano ba talaga nangyari? ERAP: … (di nagsasalita) JUDGE: Sumagot ka sa tanong. ERAP: Naman eh!!! Kala ko ba hearing lang to??? Bakit may speaking? NARS: doc, bat tinanggihan nyo yung pasyente? DR: alin, yung bakla? NARS: opo. Baka sabihin namimili tayo, porket bading siya. DR: ano naman raraspahin ko sa kanya? ========= things you don't want to hear during your own surgery: -san yung gunting na bago? Bat may kalawang to? -10ml? may nakasurvive na ba dyan? Sabi ko 5ml lang! -doc, ubos na po pala yung anesthesia. -kanina pa bukas yung tiyan, asan yung pantahi? -sunog! Sunog! Labas lahat! ========= inspiring quote of the day: "hindi ako tamad. Hindi ko lang alam kung saan ko ibubuhos kasipagan ko." ========= 'dear te, dear te, dear te!!!' -sigaw ni Anabel Rama kay Lorin at Veniz (mga anak ni Rofa) habang naglalaro ng tubig sa kanal. ========= MRS: hon, am I pretty or ugly? MR: uhm.. both.. MRS: anong both? Pwedeng pretty and ugly? MR: ang ibig ko sabihin, you're pretty ugly. ========= TEACHER: okay class our lesson for today is science. What is science? PEDRO: ako ma'am! Ako ma'am! TEACHER: okay Pedro, what is science? PEDRO: science is our lesson for today. ========= AMO: inday, paalisin mo nga yung pulubi sa labas ng bahay. (nilabas ni Inday) INDAY: off you go! Under no circumstance this house would relent to such unabashed display of vagrant destitution! PULUBI: oh! I'm so ashamed! Such a mansion of social climbing freaks! (nakakuha na ng katapat si Inday!) NOSEBLEED!!! .hehehe ========== TRIVIA: do you know how they make rubber gloves in China ? Workers deep their hands into melted latex, then air-dry them. Now guess how they make condoms? =========== in a miss gay pageant: HOST: how can we uplift our economy today even though we are under economic crisis? BAKLA: (namutla) mga bakla! Akala ko ba miss gay ito? Quizbee pala! =========== Sexy girl nagkukumpisal: PARI: iha, ano ang iyong ikukumpisal? SEXY: father, pag nakakarinig po ako ng lalaking nagmumura di ko mapigilan sarili ko na yayain siya magsex! PARI: 'tang ina! Di nga? =========== The Philippine presidents flying in a plane. GMA: what if I throw a check for a million pesos out the window to make at least 1 Filipino happy? CORY: but my dear, why don't you throw 2 checks for half a million each and thus make 2 Filipinos happy? RAMOS: why not throw four checks for a quarter of a million each and make four Filipinos happy? And on it went until finally, Erap blurts out: "but madam president, why not simply throw yourself out of the window and make all the Filipinos happy?" ============ a great example of globalization: princess Diana, a Welsh princess with an Egyptian fiancé, crashed in a French tunnel while riding in a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, chased by Italian paparazzis on Japanese big bikes. An American doctor tried to save them using Brazilian meds. This message was made by a Filipino on a Finnish Nokia phone smuggled from China by a Pakistani based in Quiapo. ============ 1. Trulalu. 2. eklavu 3. eklavu. 4. trulalu 5. eklavu 6. trulalu 7. trulalu. 8. eklavu 9. trulalu 10. trulalu -batang bading nagsasagot ng true or false na quiz. ============ = MEKANIKO: sir, hindi ko po naayos preno ng kotse niyo. CUSTOMER: ha?! Pano yan? MEKANIKO: nilakasan ko na lang po ang inyong busina! Happy trip na lang po! ============ = kung nag GAY LANGUAGE sana sila GMA at GARCI eh di walang SCAM! GMA: hallow gracia! GARCI: uy mother ever! Na chenilyn de kimberlyn ko na po yung mga chuva eke k. GMA: bonggacious! Eh yung mga chenes chenes, carry na ba? GARCI: flatshoes! Winnie santos mama, wiz na wori eclavou na ever! Na chorva na! GMA: ang tarushki! Maldita ka talaga vruha ka! Eh di windra na naman watashi?! GARCI: anufi ate. GMA: oshah ba. ============ Divorced father: anak pag-uwi mo bigay mo sa nanay mo itong cheke at sabihin mo 18 yrs old ka na, huling cheke na makukuha niya for child support tapos tignan mo kung ano ang expression ng face niya. Anak: mom, sabi ni dad bigay ko daw sayo itong cheke, last support na niya ito sakin kasi 18 na ako. Pagkatapos tignan ko daw expression ng face mo. Mom: sa susunod na pagbisita mo sa kanya paki sabi salamat sa suporta kahit di mo siya tatay! Pagkatapos tignan mo expression ng face niya! ============ BOY: dad, tulong naman sa assignment ko. Find the least common denominator daw. DAD: ha? aba'y elementary pa lang ako eh hinahanap na nila yan ah! Aba'y di pa ba nila nakikita? ============ Anong sabi ng centipede nung may nakasalubong siyang isang centipede? "uy pare. Apir!apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!.... ...... ============ eto ang banat na malupet. GUY: miss, pinaglihi ka ba sa inidoro? GIRL: bakit? GUY: kasi ako pinaglihi sa tae. Nung nakita kita, di ko mapigilang mahulog! ============ pen pen de chorvaloo de kemerloo de eklavoo, hao hao de chenelyn de big uten. Sifit dapat iipit, goldness filak chumuchorva sa tabi ng chenes! Shoyang ang fula, talong na fula, shoyang ang fute, talong na mafute, chuk chak chenes namo ek ek. -yan na naman ang mga batang bading! Ayaw paawat! ============ imagine if all straight guys are talking in gay lingo. STUDENT: bakit di mo chinuva yung girlalu? Malaki naman ang susey ng lola mo ah. HUNK: Winnie cordero nga dude sa susey, Melanie marquez naman sa brainwaves. Wit na. Jaworski while coaching: keber sa kalaban! Just focus! We cannot afford to luz valdez ! Getlakin niyo yung last freethrow! Windangin yung mga julaban! Ok! Go for the gold to the highest level mga chorva! Gow lang! gow lang ng gow! ============ BOY1: nkakakawa naman lola mo. BOY2: bakit? BOY1: nakasabay ko kasi magsimba nung isang araw, ubo ng ubo. Pinagtitinginan nga ng tao. BOY2: papansin lang yun! BOY1: bakit? BOY2: bago kasi blouse niya! ============ a boss confused about his Math asked his secretary: If I give you P3M less 17%, how much would you take off? SECRETARY: everything sir! Dress, bra, panty! ============ TEACHER: mga bata, alam niyo ba na ang bawat butil ng palay ay galing sa dugo't pawis ng mga magsasaka? MGA BATA: eeewwww! ============ BOY: is this your first time? GIRL: (angrily) oo naman noh. You guys talaga. So kuleeet! Always asking me the same question. Paulit-ulit. Hmp! ============ magsyota sa motel. BF: alam mo love, ikaw ang first girl na dinala ko dito. GF: sinungaling. Sabi nila lagi ka dito! BF: oo, pero ikaw lang talaga ang girl! ============ STUDENT: ma'am, pagagalitan niyo po ba ako sa bagay na hindi ko naman ginawa? TEACHER: natural hindi. STUDENT: good, di ko po ginawa assignment ko! ============ PARI: halika sa sulok MADRE: bakit po? PARI: sara mo pinto. MADRE: wag po! PARI: patayin mo ilaw! MADRE: diyos ko po! PARI: tamo rosary ko. Glow in the dark! ============ isang araw sa may tindahan. PULUBI: palimos po. TINDERO: wala po, patawad. PULUBI: sige na po, kahit magkano. TINDERO: sya sige! Eto, dos. PULUBI: salamat po ng marami. Isang Malboro nga po, yung menthol. ============ TITSER: bat ka na-late? EDWARD: nawalan ho kasi ng 500 yung lalaki. TITSER: tinulungan mo siyang maghanap? EDWARD: hindi po, tinapakan ko lang hanggang umalis siya. ============ sabi nung friend ko, nakakalaki daw ng tiyan ang beer. Kasi noon minsan nalasing siya, nabuntis siya! ============ a thirsty city girl went to a barrio GIRL: where galling your water manong? MATANDA: sa ilog ineng. GIRL: ha? You drink that water manong? MATANDA: duhhh! Why, sa syudad ba chine-chew? ============ = DEATH of MR.BEAN'S MOTHER Mr Bean: (crying) the doctor just called up, my mom's dead. Friend: condolence, my friend. (after 2 minutes, Mr. Bean cries even louder.) Friend: what now, Mr. Bean? Mr Bean: my sister just called. Her mom died too. ============ = NOEL: ipapangalan ko sa aking anak " LEON " baliktad ng Noel. NINO: sa akin ONIN baliktad ng NINO. TOTO: wag niyo akong maisali-sali dyan sa usapan niyo! ============ = Sinoli ni Erap ang libro sa library. ERAP: sobrang dami ng characters wala naman storya. LIBRARIAN: kayo pala kumuha ng telephone directory namin! ============ = JAIME ZOBEL DE AYALA: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Spanish. HENRY SY: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Chinese. LITO ATIENZA: 1/2 Hawaiian, 1/2 Polo. MIKE ARROYO: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 pork. JOHN OSMENA: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Pinay. PROSPERO PICHAY: 1/2 Unggoy, 1/2 gulay. GMA: 1/2 ... only. ============ == MR: hon promise simula ngayon, iiwan ko na ang mga kabit ko. MRS: wow. Thank you love. Ako naman, I promise, ang susunod nating anak, ikaw na ang ama. Promise talaga. ============ == NUN: mother! I was raped. What shall I do? Mother SUPERIOR: here, take this calamansi. NUN: will this ease the pain? Mother SUPERIOR: sipsipin mo! Nang mawala ngiti sa mukha mo, gaga! ============ == SA OSPITAL..... WIFE: hon, nahirapan ako huminga. HUSBAND: kung nahirapan ka ng huminga, itigil mo na. ============ == ATE: pabili ng pilis. TINDERA: ano po? A: pilis po! T: ha? Dilis? A: pilis po. T: ano? Philip? A: pilis nga! Yung nudols. ============ == sa sabungan, walang entrance fee ang may dalang panabong. Si Juan para makalibre pumasok may dalang inahin. BANTAY: [sinita si Juan] ano yan? JUAN: [galit pa!] manok! BANTAY: alam ko, eh bakit inahin? JUAN: may laban ang mister niya, siyempre moral support bobo! ============ == GF: magaling! At sino tong baby na nagtext sayo? BF: ah eh kumpare ko yun! Lalake yun! Baby lang palayaw. GF: oh eto replyan mo. Hindi daw kayo tuloy at may mens daw ang tarantado! ============ == INA: anak, tawagan mo nga tatay mo sa celfon. Pauwiin mo dito. [pagkatapos tawagan.] ANAK: nay, babae po ang sumagot. INA: lintik, sinasabi ko na nga ba, may tinatago yang tatay mo eh! Anong sabi? ANAK: 'you only have zero pesos in your account...' hindi ko na tinapos nay mukhang matapobre. ============ == nagbubungkal ng lupa si Erap para magtanim. Akala ng nakakita niloloko lang siya dahil wala naman siyang tinatanim. BANTAY: sir, wala naman kayong tinatanim ah. ERAP: bobo! Seedless to! ============ == ANAK: nay, ano po ba yung 10 commandments? NANAY: yun yung sampung utos ng Diyos. ANAK: mas makapangyarihan pa po pala kayo sa Diyos eh! NANAY: bakit? ANAK: ang dami niyong utos eh! ============ == HISTORY 101: JUDAS: anong gimik yang hinuhugasan ni Magda ang paa ni Bossing? PETER: wag kang makialam, darating ang araw at tatawagin yang FOOT SPA. ============ == PEDRO: niloko ko yung tindera kanina. JUAN: paano mo naman niloko yung tindera? PEDRO: nagpaload ako eh wala naman akong celfon. ============ == paramihan ng anak. HAPONESA: pumasok, bitbit 10 anak. (palakpakan) AMERIKANA: pumasok, bitbit 20 anak. (palakpakan) PINAY: pumasok, sigawan ang audience! "GO NAY!!" ============ === may nakakita sakin sa dalampasigan. malungkot at nagiisa. sabi niya, 'kung mahal mo siya, bakit di mo ipadama?' sumagot ako, 'mahal ka diyan?!!! naiwan ako sa outing tanga.' ============ === kung totoo ang ' Darwin 's theory of evolution' na ang tao ay nagmula sa unggoy, bakit may mga taong mukhang kabayo? ============ === DORAY: mare, kulang pa kami ng isang miyembro. baka gusto mong sumali sa paluwagan. PINANG : hindi pa ako pwede, mare. DORAY: bakit mare? PINAY: virgin pa kasi ako. ============ ==== ERAP SA PIZZA HUT WAITER: sir, do you want me to cut your pizza into 4 slices or 8 slices? ERAP: into four na lang, masyadong marami yung eight. di ko mauubos. ============ ==== summer job opportunities: package 1: -P5000/hour -enchanted kingdom -tagatulak ng anchor's away. package 2: -P7000/day -palengke -tagalista ng noisy. package 3: -P800/minute -star city -tagahila ng roller coaster. package 4: -P900/minute. -for females only. - alaska milk. -substitute sa baka. oh pili na. mahirap maghanap ng trabaho. ============ === AMO: inday, kunin mo nga yung VOGUE magazine! INDAY: mam, vogyu hindi vog. AMO: inday, vog ang tamang pagbigkas. INDAY: o sige na nga mam VOG na, there's no need to ARG. ============ === pano sasabihin sa isang girl na maitim ang kili-kili niya without hurting his feelings? "ganda ng deodorant mo ha, kiwi?" ============ === Si Erap nakabasag ng vase sa Museum, yung attendant nataranta. ATTENDANT: naku sir, more than 500 years old na po yang vase. ERAP: hay salamat. Akala ko bago! ============ === Overheard from a girl na galit sa kararating na boyfriend sa starbucks: GIRL: my God, you're so late. Where did you . . . where have you. . . where do you. . . san ka ba galing? ============ === ang tawag sa gumagawa ng tubo, tubero. Ang tawag sa kumukuha ng basura, basurero. Ang tawag sa mahilig sa gimik, gimikero. Sa maraming babae, babaero. Ang tawag sa nakaupo sa kanto. ? ............................Tambay pare, tambay! Sa Math Class…
Teacher: Banong, kung meron akong 1 piraso ng karne at hinati ko ito, ilang
piraso na?
Banong: 2 po mam!
Teacher: At kung hnati ko pa pareho?
Banong: 4 na piraso po!
Teacher: Hinati ko ulit.
Banong: 8 piraso po.
Teacher: Hinati ko pa.
Banong: 16 po mam.
Teacher: Hinati ko pa?
Banong: 32 piraso na po!
Teacher: Kung hinati ko ulit?
Banong: 64 po! (nakangiti)
Teacher: At hinati ko pa? 2 beses ko pang hinati?
Banong: Ay susmaryosep mam! GINILING napo! GINILING!!!

SA BAKERY…
Pulubi: Palimos po ng cake.
Ale: Aba, sosyal ka ah! Namalimos ka lang, gusto mo pang cake.. eto
pandesal!
Pulubi: Duh! Ate?! Bday ko kaya today?!?

ANAK: Tay mag-ingat kayo sa DANKTRAK!.
TATAY: ano ung danktrak?
ANAK: Yunn pong trak na 10 ang gulong na karga buhangin…
TATAY: Tanga inde danktrak un…TEN MILLER!!!

Honeymoon:
BRIDE: Kinakabahan ako. Baka di ko makaya.. Parang natatakot ako.
GROOM- Kaya mo ito. Diba dati may alaga kang ahas?
BRIDE- Oo nga, pero takot talaga ako sa UOD!!

BOY: Wala akong kwentang anak para sa inyo! Lahat ng ginagawa ko puro mali!
Lagi nalang ako mali!!! Di ‘nyo na ako mahal!
AMA: Nagkakamali ka anak…
BOY: Shet! Mali na naman ako!!!

Nanay: Ang lakas mo kumain pero di ka mautusan. Ang kapal mo!
Anak: Kapag yung baboy natin mlakas kumain, natutuwa ka. Sino b talaga ang
anak mo, ako o ung baboy? Umayos ka nay! Wag ganun!

BF : May ibibigay akong gift sayo, pero hulaan mo muna!
GF: Sige, clue naman…
BF: Kailangan ito ng leeg mo.
GF: Kwintas?
BF: Hindi… PANGHILOD! SMILE!!!

(Sa loob ng Mall)
GUY: LOVE, yan ang dati kong girlfriend.
Jowa: Ang pangit pangit naman!
GUY: Wala akong magagawa, yan talaga ang weakness ko ever since…

JUDGE: Ano ba talaga nangyari?
ERAP: … (di nagsasalita)
JUDGE: Sumagot ka sa tanong.
ERAP: Naman eh!!! Kala ko ba hearing lang to??? Bakit may speaking?

NARS: doc, bat tinanggihan nyo yung pasyente?
DR: alin, yung bakla?
NARS: opo. Baka sabihin namimili tayo, porket bading siya.
DR: ano naman raraspahin ko sa kanya?

Things you don’t want to hear during your own surgery:
-san yung gunting na bago? Bat may kalawang to?
-10ml? may nakasurvive na ba dyan? Sabi ko 5ml lang!
-doc, ubos na po pala yung anesthesia.
-kanina pa bukas yung tiyan, asan yung pantahi?
-sunog! Sunog! Labas lahat!
=========
inspiring quote of the day:
“hindi ako tamad. Hindi ko lang alam kung saan ko ibubuhos kasipagan ko.”
=========
‘dear te, dear te, dear te!!!’
-sigaw ni Anabel Rama kay Lorin at Veniz (mga anak ni Rofa) habang
naglalaro ng tubig sa kanal.
=========
MRS: hon, am I pretty or ugly?
MR: uhm.. both..
MRS: anong both? Pwedeng pretty and ugly?
MR: ang ibig ko sabihin, you’re pretty ugly.
=========
AMO: inday, paalisin mo nga yung pulubi sa labas ng bahay.
(nilabas ni Inday)
INDAY: off you go! Under no circumstance this house would relent to such unabashed display of vagrant destitution!
PULUBI: oh! I’m so ashamed! Such a mansion of social climbing freaks!
(nakakuha na ng katapat si Inday!)
NOSEBLEED!!! .hehehe
==========
TRIVIA: do you know how they make rubber gloves in China ?
Workers deep their hands into melted latex, then air-dry them.
Now guess how they make condoms?
===========
in a miss gay pageant:
HOST: how can we uplift our economy today even though we are under economic crisis?
BAKLA: (namutla) mga bakla! Akala ko ba miss gay ito? Quizbee pala!
===========
Sexy girl nagkukumpisal:
PARI: iha, ano ang iyong ikukumpisal?
SEXY: father, pag nakakarinig po ako ng lalaking nagmumura di ko mapigilan sarili ko na yayain siya magsex!
PARI: ‘tang ina! Di nga?
===========
The Philippine presidents flying in a plane.
GMA: what if I throw a check for a million pesos out the window to make at least 1 Filipino happy?
CORY: but my dear, why don’t you throw 2 checks for half a million each and thus make 2 Filipinos happy?
RAMOS: why not throw four checks for a quarter of a million each and make four Filipinos happy?
And on it went until finally, Erap blurts out:
“but madam president, why not simply throw yourself out of the window and make all the Filipinos happy?”
============
a great example of globalization: princess Diana, a Welsh princess with an Egyptian fiancé, crashed in a French tunnel while riding in a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, chased by Italian paparazzis on Japanese big bikes. An American doctor
tried to save them using Brazilian meds. This message was made by a Filipino on a Finnish Nokia phone smuggled from China by a Pakistani based in Quiapo.
============
MEKANIKO: sir, hindi ko po naayos preno ng kotse niyo.
CUSTOMER: ha?! Pano yan?
MEKANIKO: nilakasan ko na lang po ang inyong busina! Happy trip na lang po!
============ =
kung nag GAY LANGUAGE sana sila GMA at GARCI eh di walang SCAM!

GMA: hallow gracia!
GARCI: uy mother ever! Na chenilyn de kimberlyn ko na po yung mga chuva eke
k.
GMA: bonggacious! Eh yung mga chenes chenes, carry na ba?
GARCI: flatshoes! Winnie santos mama, wiz na wori eclavou na ever! Na
chorva na!
GMA: ang tarushki! Maldita ka talaga vruha ka! Eh di windra na naman
watashi?!
GARCI: anufi ate.
GMA: oshah ba.
============
Divorced father: anak pag-uwi mo bigay mo sa nanay mo itong cheke at sabihin mo 18 yrs old ka na, huling cheke na makukuha niya for child support tapos tignan mo kung ano ang expression ng face niya. Anak: mom, sabi ni dad bigay ko daw sayo itong cheke, last support na niya ito sakin kasi 18 na ako. Pagkatapos tignan ko daw expression ng face mo.
Mom: sa susunod na pagbisita mo sa kanya paki sabi salamat sa suporta kahit di mo siya tatay! Pagkatapos tignan mo expression ng face niya!
============
Anong sabi ng centipede nung may nakasalubong siyang isang centipede?
“uy pare. Apir!apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir!
apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!…. ……
============
a boss confused about his Math asked his secretary:
If I give you P3M less 17%, how much would you take off?
SECRETARY: everything sir! Dress, bra, panty!
============
TEACHER: mga bata, alam niyo ba na ang bawat butil ng palay ay galing sa dugo’t pawis ng mga magsasaka?
MGA BATA: eeewwww!
============
BOY: is this your first time?
GIRL: (angrily) oo naman noh. You guys talaga. So kuleeet! Always asking me the same question. Paulit-ulit. Hmp!
============
magsyota sa motel.
BF: alam mo love, ikaw ang first girl na dinala ko dito.
GF: sinungaling. Sabi nila lagi ka dito!
BF: oo, pero ikaw lang talaga ang girl!
============
STUDENT: ma’am, pagagalitan niyo po ba ako sa bagay na hindi ko naman ginawa?
TEACHER: natural hindi.
STUDENT: good, di ko po ginawa assignment ko!
============
TITSER: bat ka na-late?
EDWARD: nawalan ho kasi ng 500 yung lalaki.
TITSER: tinulungan mo siyang maghanap?
EDWARD: hindi po, tinapakan ko lang hanggang umalis siya.

============
a thirsty city girl went to a barrio
GIRL: where galling your water manong?
MATANDA: sa ilog ineng.
GIRL: ha? You drink that water manong?
MATANDA: duhhh! Why, sa syudad ba chine-chew?
============ =
DEATH of MR.BEAN’S MOTHER
Mr Bean: (crying) the doctor just called up, my mom’s dead.
Friend: condolence, my friend.
(after 2 minutes, Mr. Bean cries even louder.)
Friend: what now, Mr. Bean?
Mr Bean: my sister just called. Her mom died too.
============ =
NOEL: ipapangalan ko sa aking anak ” LEON ” baliktad ng Noel.
NINO: sa akin ONIN baliktad ng NINO.
TOTO: wag niyo akong maisali-sali dyan sa usapan niyo!
============ =
Sinoli ni Erap ang libro sa library.
ERAP: sobrang dami ng characters wala naman storya.
LIBRARIAN: kayo pala kumuha ng telephone directory namin!
============ =
JAIME ZOBEL DE AYALA: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Spanish.
HENRY SY: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Chinese.
LITO ATIENZA: 1/2 Hawaiian, 1/2 Polo.
MIKE ARROYO: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 pork.
JOHN OSMENA: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Pinay.
PROSPERO PICHAY: 1/2 Unggoy, 1/2 gulay.
GMA: 1/2 … only.
============ ==
MR: hon promise simula ngayon, iiwan ko na ang mga kabit ko.
MRS: wow. Thank you love. Ako naman, I promise, ang susunod nating anak,
ikaw na ang ama. Promise talaga.
============ ==
sa sabungan, walang entrance fee ang may dalang panabong. Si Juan para makalibre pumasok may dalang inahin.
BANTAY: [sinita si Juan] ano yan?
JUAN: [galit pa!] manok!
BANTAY: alam ko, eh bakit inahin?
JUAN: may laban ang mister niya, siyempre moral support bobo!
============ ==
GF: magaling! At sino tong baby na nagtext sayo?
BF: ah eh kumpare ko yun! Lalake yun! Baby lang palayaw.
GF: oh eto replyan mo. Hindi daw kayo tuloy at may mens daw ang tarantado!
============ ==
INA: anak, tawagan mo nga tatay mo sa celfon. Pauwiin mo dito.
[pagkatapos tawagan.]
ANAK: nay, babae po ang sumagot.
INA: lintik, sinasabi ko na nga ba, may tinatago yang tatay mo eh! Anong sabi?
ANAK: ‘you only have zero pesos in your account…’ hindi ko na tinapos nay mukhang matapobre.
============ ==
nagbubungkal ng lupa si Erap para magtanim. Akala ng nakakita niloloko lang siya dahil wala naman siyang tinatanim.
BANTAY: sir, wala naman kayong tinatanim ah.
ERAP: bobo! Seedless to!
============ ==
ANAK: nay, ano po ba yung 10 commandments?
NANAY: yun yung sampung utos ng Diyos.
ANAK: mas makapangyarihan pa po pala kayo sa Diyos eh!
NANAY: bakit?
ANAK: ang dami niyong utos eh!
============ ==
HISTORY 101:
JUDAS: anong gimik yang hinuhugasan ni Magda ang paa ni Bossing?
PETER: wag kang makialam, darating ang araw at tatawagin yang FOOT SPA.
============ ==
PEDRO: niloko ko yung tindera kanina.
JUAN: paano mo naman niloko yung tindera?
PEDRO: nagpaload ako eh wala naman akong celfon.
============ ==
paramihan ng anak.
HAPONESA: pumasok, bitbit 10 anak.
(palakpakan)
AMERIKANA: pumasok, bitbit 20 anak.
(palakpakan)
PINAY: pumasok, sigawan ang audience! “GO NAY!!”

DORAY: mare, kulang pa kami ng isang miyembro. baka gusto mong sumali sa paluwagan.
PINANG : hindi pa ako pwede, mare.
DORAY: bakit mare?
PINAY: virgin pa kasi ako.
============ ====
ERAP SA PIZZA HUT
WAITER: sir, do you want me to cut your pizza into 4 slices or 8 slices?
ERAP: into four na lang, masyadong marami yung eight. di ko mauubos.
============ ===
AMO: inday, kunin mo nga yung VOGUE magazine!
INDAY: mam, vogyu hindi vog.
AMO: inday, vog ang tamang pagbigkas.
INDAY: o sige na nga mam VOG na, there’s no need to ARG.
============ ===
pano sasabihin sa isang girl na maitim ang kili-kili niya without hurting his feelings?
“ganda ng deodorant mo ha, kiwi?”
============ ===
Si Erap nakabasag ng vase sa Museum, yung attendant nataranta.
ATTENDANT: naku sir, more than 500 years old na po yang vase.
ERAP: hay salamat. Akala ko bago!
============ ===
Overheard from a girl na galit sa kararating na boyfriend sa starbucks:
GIRL: my God, you’re so late. Where did you . . . where have you. . . where do you. . . san ka ba galing?
============ ===
Sa Math Class…
Teacher: Banong, kung meron akong 1 piraso ng karne at hinati ko ito, ilang
piraso na?
Banong: 2 po mam!
Teacher: At kung hnati ko pa pareho?
Banong: 4 na piraso po!
Teacher: Hinati ko ulit.
Banong: 8 piraso po.
Teacher: Hinati ko pa.
Banong: 16 po mam.
Teacher: Hinati ko pa?
Banong: 32 piraso na po!
Teacher: Kung hinati ko ulit?
Banong: 64 po! (nakangiti)
Teacher: At hinati ko pa? 2 beses ko pang hinati?
Banong: Ay susmaryosep mam! GINILING napo! GINILING!!!
SA BAKERY…

Pulubi: Palimos po ng cake.
Ale: Aba, sosyal ka ah! Namalimos ka lang, gusto mo pang cake.. eto
pandesal!
Pulubi: Duh! Ate?! Bday ko kaya today?!?

ANAK: Tay mag-ingat kayo sa DANKTRAK!.
TATAY: ano ung danktrak?
ANAK: Yunn pong trak na 10 ang gulong na karga buhangin…
TATAY: Tanga inde danktrak un…TEN MILLER!!!

Honeymoon:
BRIDE: Kinakabahan ako. Baka di ko makaya.. Parang natatakot ako.
GROOM- Kaya mo ito. Diba dati may alaga kang ahas?
BRIDE- Oo nga, pero takot talaga ako sa UOD!!

BOY: Wala akong kwentang anak para sa inyo! Lahat ng ginagawa ko puro mali!
Lagi nalang ako mali!!! Di ‘nyo na ako mahal!
AMA: Nagkakamali ka anak…
BOY: Shet! Mali na naman ako!!!

Nanay: Ang lakas mo kumain pero di ka mautusan. Ang kapal mo!
Anak: Kapag yung baboy natin mlakas kumain, natutuwa ka. Sino b talaga ang
anak mo, ako o ung baboy? Umayos ka nay! Wag ganun!

Magsyota naglalakad sa park:
GF: Hon, ihi muna ako
BF: Dyan ka nalang sa damuhan…
Habang umiihi, kinapkap ni BF ang legs ni GF nang may mahawakan syang
mahaba sa gitna nito…
BF: Anak ng?! Bading ka ba o nagpalit na ng kasarian??
GF: Sira! Nagpalit lang ako ng desisyon… Tumatae na ako…

BF : May ibibigay akong gift sayo, pero hulaan mo muna!
GF: Sige, clue naman…
BF: Kailangan ito ng leeg mo.
GF: Kwintas?
BF: Hindi… PANGHILOD! SMILE!!!

(Sa loob ng Mall)
GUY: LOVE, yan ang dati kong girlfriend.
Jowa: Ang pangit pangit naman!
GUY: Wala akong magagawa, yan talaga ang weakness ko ever since…

JUDGE: Ano ba talaga nangyari?
ERAP: … (di nagsasalita)
JUDGE: Sumagot ka sa tanong.
ERAP: Naman eh!!! Kala ko ba hearing lang to??? Bakit may speaking?

NARS: doc, bat tinanggihan nyo yung pasyente?
DR: alin, yung bakla?
NARS: opo. Baka sabihin namimili tayo, porket bading siya.
DR: ano naman raraspahin ko sa kanya?

=========
things you don’t want to hear during your own surgery:
-san yung gunting na bago? Bat may kalawang to?
-10ml? may nakasurvive na ba dyan? Sabi ko 5ml lang!
-doc, ubos na po pala yung anesthesia.
-kanina pa bukas yung tiyan, asan yung pantahi?
-sunog! Sunog! Labas lahat!
=========
inspiring quote of the day:
“hindi ako tamad. Hindi ko lang alam kung saan ko ibubuhos kasipagan ko.”

=========
‘dear te, dear te, dear te!!!’
-sigaw ni Anabel Rama kay Lorin at Veniz (mga anak ni Rofa) habang
naglalaro ng tubig sa kanal.
=========
MRS: hon, am I pretty or ugly?
MR: uhm.. both..
MRS: anong both? Pwedeng pretty and ugly?
MR: ang ibig ko sabihin, you’re pretty ugly.
=========
TEACHER: okay class our lesson for today is science. What is science?
PEDRO: ako ma’am! Ako ma’am!
TEACHER: okay Pedro, what is science?
PEDRO: science is our lesson for today.
=========
AMO: inday, paalisin mo nga yung pulubi sa labas ng bahay.
(nilabas ni Inday)
INDAY: off you go! Under no circumstance this house would relent to such
unabashed display of vagrant destitution!
PULUBI: oh! I’m so ashamed! Such a mansion of social climbing freaks!
(nakakuha na ng katapat si Inday!)
NOSEBLEED!!! .hehehe

==========
TRIVIA: do you know how they make rubber gloves in China ?
Workers deep their hands into melted latex, then air-dry them.
Now guess how they make condoms?

===========
in a miss gay pageant:
HOST: how can we uplift our economy today even though we are under economic
crisis?
BAKLA: (namutla) mga bakla! Akala ko ba miss gay ito? Quizbee pala!
===========
Sexy girl nagkukumpisal:
PARI: iha, ano ang iyong ikukumpisal?
SEXY: father, pag nakakarinig po ako ng lalaking nagmumura di ko mapigilan
sarili ko na yayain siya magsex!
PARI: ‘tang ina! Di nga?

===========
The Philippine presidents flying in a plane.
GMA: what if I throw a check for a million pesos out the window to make at
least 1 Filipino happy?
CORY: but my dear, why don’t you throw 2 checks for half a million each and
thus make 2 Filipinos happy?
RAMOS: why not throw four checks for a quarter of a million each and make
four Filipinos happy?
And on it went until finally, Erap blurts out:
“but madam president, why not simply throw yourself out of the window and
make all the Filipinos happy?”
============
a great example of globalization: princess Diana, a Welsh princess with an
Egyptian fiancé, crashed in a French tunnel while riding in a German car
with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky,
chased by Italian paparazzis on Japanese big bikes. An American doctor
tried to save them using Brazilian meds. This message was made by a
Filipino on a Finnish Nokia phone smuggled from China by a Pakistani based
in Quiapo.
============
1. Trulalu.
2. eklavu
3. eklavu.
4. trulalu
5. eklavu
6. trulalu
7. trulalu.
8. eklavu
9. trulalu
10. trulalu
-batang bading nagsasagot ng true or false na quiz.
============ =
MEKANIKO: sir, hindi ko po naayos preno ng kotse niyo.
CUSTOMER: ha?! Pano yan?
MEKANIKO: nilakasan ko na lang po ang inyong busina! Happy trip na lang po!
============ =
kung nag GAY LANGUAGE sana sila GMA at GARCI eh di walang SCAM!

GMA: hallow gracia!
GARCI: uy mother ever! Na chenilyn de kimberlyn ko na po yung mga chuva eke
k.
GMA: bonggacious! Eh yung mga chenes chenes, carry na ba?
GARCI: flatshoes! Winnie santos mama, wiz na wori eclavou na ever! Na
chorva na!
GMA: ang tarushki! Maldita ka talaga vruha ka! Eh di windra na naman
watashi?!
GARCI: anufi ate.
GMA: oshah ba.
============
Divorced father: anak pag-uwi mo bigay mo sa nanay mo itong cheke at
sabihin mo 18 yrs old ka na, huling cheke na makukuha niya for child
support tapos tignan mo kung ano ang expression ng face niya.
Anak: mom, sabi ni dad bigay ko daw sayo itong cheke, last support na niya
ito sakin kasi 18 na ako. Pagkatapos tignan ko daw expression ng face mo.
Mom: sa susunod na pagbisita mo sa kanya paki sabi salamat sa suporta kahit
di mo siya tatay! Pagkatapos tignan mo expression ng face niya!
============
BOY: dad, tulong naman sa assignment ko. Find the least common denominator
daw.
DAD: ha? aba’y elementary pa lang ako eh hinahanap na nila yan ah! Aba’y di
pa ba nila nakikita?
============
Anong sabi ng centipede nung may nakasalubong siyang isang centipede?
“uy pare. Apir!apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir!
apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!…. ……
============
eto ang banat na malupet.
GUY: miss, pinaglihi ka ba sa inidoro?
GIRL: bakit?
GUY: kasi ako pinaglihi sa tae. Nung nakita kita, di ko mapigilang mahulog!
============
pen pen de chorvaloo de kemerloo de eklavoo, hao hao de chenelyn de big
uten. Sifit dapat iipit, goldness filak chumuchorva sa tabi ng chenes!
Shoyang ang fula, talong na fula, shoyang ang fute, talong na mafute, chuk
chak chenes namo ek ek.
-yan na naman ang mga batang bading! Ayaw paawat!
============
imagine if all straight guys are talking in gay lingo.
STUDENT: bakit di mo chinuva yung girlalu? Malaki naman ang susey ng lola
mo ah.
HUNK: Winnie cordero nga dude sa susey, Melanie marquez naman sa
brainwaves. Wit na.
Jaworski while coaching: keber sa kalaban! Just focus! We cannot afford to
luz valdez ! Getlakin niyo yung last freethrow! Windangin yung mga julaban!
Ok! Go for the gold to the highest level mga chorva! Gow lang! gow lang ng
gow!
============
BOY1: nkakakawa naman lola mo.
BOY2: bakit?
BOY1: nakasabay ko kasi magsimba nung isang araw, ubo ng ubo.
Pinagtitinginan nga ng tao.
BOY2: papansin lang yun!
BOY1: bakit?
BOY2: bago kasi blouse niya!
============
a boss confused about his Math asked his secretary:
If I give you P3M less 17%, how much would you take off?
SECRETARY: everything sir! Dress, bra, panty!
============
TEACHER: mga bata, alam niyo ba na ang bawat butil ng palay ay galing sa
dugo’t pawis ng mga magsasaka?
MGA BATA: eeewwww!
============
BOY: is this your first time?
GIRL: (angrily) oo naman noh. You guys talaga. So kuleeet! Always asking me
the same question. Paulit-ulit. Hmp!
============
magsyota sa motel.
BF: alam mo love, ikaw ang first girl na dinala ko dito.
GF: sinungaling. Sabi nila lagi ka dito!
BF: oo, pero ikaw lang talaga ang girl!
============
STUDENT: ma’am, pagagalitan niyo po ba ako sa bagay na hindi ko naman
ginawa?
TEACHER: natural hindi.
STUDENT: good, di ko po ginawa assignment ko!
============
PARI: halika sa sulok
MADRE: bakit po?
PARI: sara mo pinto.
MADRE: wag po!
PARI: patayin mo ilaw!
MADRE: diyos ko po!
PARI: tamo rosary ko. Glow in the dark!

============
isang araw sa may tindahan.
PULUBI: palimos po.
TINDERO: wala po, patawad.
PULUBI: sige na po, kahit magkano.
TINDERO: sya sige! Eto, dos.
PULUBI: salamat po ng marami. Isang Malboro nga po, yung menthol.
============
TITSER: bat ka na-late?
EDWARD: nawalan ho kasi ng 500 yung lalaki.
TITSER: tinulungan mo siyang maghanap?
EDWARD: hindi po, tinapakan ko lang hanggang umalis siya.

============
sabi nung friend ko, nakakalaki daw ng tiyan ang beer. Kasi noon minsan
nalasing siya, nabuntis siya!
============
a thirsty city girl went to a barrio
GIRL: where galling your water manong?
MATANDA: sa ilog ineng.
GIRL: ha? You drink that water manong?
MATANDA: duhhh! Why, sa syudad ba chine-chew?
============ =
DEATH of MR.BEAN’S MOTHER
Mr Bean: (crying) the doctor just called up, my mom’s dead.
Friend: condolence, my friend.
(after 2 minutes, Mr. Bean cries even louder.)
Friend: what now, Mr. Bean?
Mr Bean: my sister just called. Her mom died too.
============ =
NOEL: ipapangalan ko sa aking anak ” LEON ” baliktad ng Noel.
NINO: sa akin ONIN baliktad ng NINO.
TOTO: wag niyo akong maisali-sali dyan sa usapan niyo!
============ =
Sinoli ni Erap ang libro sa library.
ERAP: sobrang dami ng characters wala naman storya.
LIBRARIAN: kayo pala kumuha ng telephone directory namin!
============ =
JAIME ZOBEL DE AYALA: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Spanish.
HENRY SY: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Chinese.
LITO ATIENZA: 1/2 Hawaiian, 1/2 Polo.
MIKE ARROYO: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 pork.
JOHN OSMENA: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Pinay.
PROSPERO PICHAY: 1/2 Unggoy, 1/2 gulay.
GMA: 1/2 … only.
============ ==
MR: hon promise simula ngayon, iiwan ko na ang mga kabit ko.
MRS: wow. Thank you love. Ako naman, I promise, ang susunod nating anak,
ikaw na ang ama. Promise talaga.
============ ==
NUN: mother! I was raped. What shall I do?
Mother SUPERIOR: here, take this calamansi.
NUN: will this ease the pain?
Mother SUPERIOR: sipsipin mo! Nang mawala ngiti sa mukha mo, gaga!
============ ==
SA OSPITAL…..
WIFE: hon, nahirapan ako huminga.
HUSBAND: kung nahirapan ka ng huminga, itigil mo na.
============ ==
ATE: pabili ng pilis.
TINDERA: ano po?
A: pilis po!
T: ha? Dilis?
A: pilis po.
T: ano? Philip?
A: pilis nga! Yung nudols.
============ ==
sa sabungan, walang entrance fee ang may dalang panabong. Si Juan para
makalibre pumasok may dalang inahin.
BANTAY: [sinita si Juan] ano yan?
JUAN: [galit pa!] manok!
BANTAY: alam ko, eh bakit inahin?
JUAN: may laban ang mister niya, siyempre moral support bobo!

============ ==
GF: magaling! At sino tong baby na nagtext sayo?
BF: ah eh kumpare ko yun! Lalake yun! Baby lang palayaw.
GF: oh eto replyan mo. Hindi daw kayo tuloy at may mens daw ang tarantado!
============ ==
INA: anak, tawagan mo nga tatay mo sa celfon. Pauwiin mo dito.
[pagkatapos tawagan.]
ANAK: nay, babae po ang sumagot.
INA: lintik, sinasabi ko na nga ba, may tinatago yang tatay mo eh! Anong
sabi?
ANAK: ‘you only have zero pesos in your account…’ hindi ko na tinapos nay
mukhang matapobre.
============ ==
nagbubungkal ng lupa si Erap para magtanim. Akala ng nakakita niloloko lang
siya dahil wala naman siyang tinatanim.
BANTAY: sir, wala naman kayong tinatanim ah.
ERAP: bobo! Seedless to!
============ ==
ANAK: nay, ano po ba yung 10 commandments?
NANAY: yun yung sampung utos ng Diyos.
ANAK: mas makapangyarihan pa po pala kayo sa Diyos eh!
NANAY: bakit?
ANAK: ang dami niyong utos eh!

============ ==
HISTORY 101:
JUDAS: anong gimik yang hinuhugasan ni Magda ang paa ni Bossing?
PETER: wag kang makialam, darating ang araw at tatawagin yang FOOT SPA.
============ ==
PEDRO: niloko ko yung tindera kanina.
JUAN: paano mo naman niloko yung tindera?
PEDRO: nagpaload ako eh wala naman akong celfon.
============ ==
paramihan ng anak.
HAPONESA: pumasok, bitbit 10 anak.
(palakpakan)
AMERIKANA: pumasok, bitbit 20 anak.
(palakpakan)
PINAY: pumasok, sigawan ang audience! “GO NAY!!”
============ ===
may nakakita sakin sa dalampasigan. malungkot at nagiisa. sabi niya, ‘kung
mahal mo siya, bakit di mo ipadama?’ sumagot ako, ‘mahal ka diyan?!!!
naiwan ako sa outing tanga.’
============ ===
kung totoo ang ‘ Darwin ’s theory of evolution’ na ang tao ay nagmula sa
unggoy, bakit may mga taong mukhang kabayo?
============ ===
DORAY: mare, kulang pa kami ng isang miyembro. baka gusto mong sumali sa
paluwagan.
PINANG : hindi pa ako pwede, mare.
DORAY: bakit mare?
PINAY: virgin pa kasi ako.
============ ====
ERAP SA PIZZA HUT
WAITER: sir, do you want me to cut your pizza into 4 slices or 8 slices?
ERAP: into four na lang, masyadong marami yung eight. di ko mauubos.

============ ====
summer job opportunities:
package 1:
-P5000/hour
-enchanted kingdom
-tagatulak ng anchor’s away.
package 2:
-P7000/day
-palengke
-tagalista ng noisy.
package 3:
-P800/minute
-star city
-tagahila ng roller coaster.
package 4:
-P900/minute.
-for females only.
- alaska milk.
-substitute sa baka.
oh pili na. mahirap maghanap ng trabaho.
============ ===
AMO: inday, kunin mo nga yung VOGUE magazine!
INDAY: mam, vogyu hindi vog.
AMO: inday, vog ang tamang pagbigkas.
INDAY: o sige na nga mam VOG na, there’s no need to ARG.
============ ===
pano sasabihin sa isang girl na maitim ang kili-kili niya without hurting
his feelings?
“ganda ng deodorant mo ha, kiwi?”
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Si Erap nakabasag ng vase sa Museum, yung attendant nataranta.
ATTENDANT: naku sir, more than 500 years old na po yang vase.
ERAP: hay salamat. Akala ko bago!
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Overheard from a girl na galit sa kararating na boyfriend sa starbucks:
GIRL: my God, you’re so late. Where did you . . . where have you. . . where
do you. . . san ka ba galing?
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ang tawag sa gumagawa ng tubo, tubero. Ang tawag sa kumukuha ng basura, basurero. Ang tawag sa mahilig sa gimik, gimikero. Sa maraming babae, babaero. Ang tawag sa nakaupo sa kanto. ? ……………………….Tambay pare, tambay!

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