Sagunto LAUGHS

Saguntonians love a good laugh; no matter how harsh the times, no matter how tired we are, we always appreciate a good laugh. Before scientific studies were even made, we’ve known the benefits of a good belly laugh for clearing what ails us and how a sweet, kind smile can sooth away our aches and pains.

So here, please share your jokes and funny stories so that we can all share in the fun.

31 thoughts on “Sagunto LAUGHS

  1. Judee

    hak! hak! hak! hi hi hi hi! hayyy! mabartekak ti katawa….hi hi hi hi! mayat dagitoy ah – talaga nga makakatawa ka. Thanks Jeanette. Ali ngarud agiposte tayo ti pagkakatawaan ditoy ta kas kuna da ngarud…”Laughter is the Best Medicine” hi hi hi hi hi! Judee

    Reply
  2. Judee

    A young builder fell off a ladder and dislocated his shoulder. After examining him, a doctor at the local hospital put his shoulder back under anaesthetic. Afterwards, the man was put in a ward to rest but as soon as he came to he started groaning. A passing nurse chided him, “Do stop that awful noise. I’ve just come from the maternity ward where a mother has painfully given birth to a nine-pound baby and she is not making a sound.” The young man paused and, looking at the woman in exasperation, muttered, “Try putting it back!”

    “Mum has no idea how to bring up children,” said a child to his father. “How can you say such a thing?” replied the father. Because she always sends me to bed at night when I’m not sleepy, and wakes me up in the morning when I am.”

    Hi hi hi hi hi!

    Reply
  3. Judee

    GMA
    Dumalaw si GMA sa mental hospital..
    Dok: Let’s welcome President Arroyo!
    Pumalakpak lahat ng pasyente maliban sa isa na nasa sulok…
    GMA: O, dok, bakit ‘yung isa, hindi pumalakpak?
    Dok: Ma’am, magaling na po siya!

    Kodigo:

    Nahuling may kodigo ang estudyante.. .
    Guro: Ano ‘to?
    Estudyante: Prayer ko po, ma’am!
    Guro: At bakit answers ang nakasulat?
    Estudyante: Naku! Sinagot na ang prayers ko!

    ayos! hi hi hi hi!

    Reply
  4. Judee

    Intsik: Bili kayo panty. Kapag sinuot ito, hindi kayo mabubuntis.
    Babae: Bigyan mo ako ng tatlo. 3 months later, galit si babae: Bakit ako nabuntis?
    Intsik: Baka hinubad mo! Ayos! yak yak yak! hi hi hi hi hi!
    ————————————————-
    GF: Hayop ka, niloloko mo ako!
    BF: Bakit, wala naman akong ginagawa ah!
    GF: Anong wala? Nakita kita kanina, may kasama kang ibang babae,
    magkahawak pa kamay nyo! Niloloko mo ako!
    BF: Makinig ka muna… hindi kita niloloko, maniwala ka… Yung kasama ko kanina ang niloloko ko!
    ————————————————-
    Ifugao: Apply po ako ng sundalo, sir.
    Officer: Hindi ka pwede, ang dami mong sirang ngipin, bungi ka pa!
    Ifugao: Bakit sir, sa gyera ba ngayon, kagatan na ang labanan? Ni sir Philip ti makasungbat iti daytoy…ania makunam tinyente? hi hi hi hi hi! har har har har!
    ————————————————-
    Pedro: Saan ka galing, p’re?
    Berto: Sementeryo, libing ng byenan ko.
    Pedro: Bakit puro kalmot ang mukha at braso mo?
    Berto: Mahirap ilibing eh, lumalaban! delicado met daytoy…hi hi hi hi hi!

    Reply
  5. yupii!

    PALIMOS

    Pulubi: Boss, palimos po.
    Tonyo: Iinom ka o magyoyosi?
    Pulubi: Wala po akong bisyo.
    Tonyo: Okey. Sumama ka sa akin para malaman ng nanay ko ang nangyayari
    sa taong walang bisyo

    ALITAPTAP
    Anak: Tatay, hindi ako makatulog, kasi, maraming lamok!
    Tatay: Papatayin natin ang ilaw para hindi tayo makita.
    (Pagpatay sa ilaw, dumating ang mga alitaptap… )
    Anak: Hala ka, Tatay, nagdala sila ng flashlight!

    Reply
  6. Carlito

    A hippie gets onto a bus and proceeds to sit next to a Nun in the front seat. The Hippie looks over and asks the Nun if she would have sex with him. The Nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts on its way the bus driver says to the hippie, if you want I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you. The hippie of course says that he’d love to know so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder, said the bus driver guy, you could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you. Well the Hippie decides to try this out so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. And right on schedule the nun shows up. When she’s in the middle of praying the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first. The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about to go to work on the nun. After the Hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, Ha ha, I’m the hippie!! The nun replied by whipping off her mask and shouting, a ha, I’m the bus driver!!

    It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl. After a year, she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying, “This is amazing. How do you do it at you age?” He answered, “You’ve got to keep that old motor running.” The following year, she gave birth again. The same nurse said, “You really are amazing. How do you do it?” He again said, “You’ve got to keep the old motor running.” The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, “You must be quite a man.” He responded, “You’ve got to keep that old motor running.” The nurse then said, “Well, you had better change the oil. This one’s black.”

    A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ”If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I’d be a little bull.”
    The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ”If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.”
    The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ”What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!”
    The kid smiles and says, ”I would be a bus driver!”

    Reply
  7. Jeanette Post author

    haha!! keep the jokes coming, guys 😀

    In the meantime, here’s something to tickle your intellect. Learn a few Chinese words. Maybe our kailyans in Macau can help…

    ————————–

    That’s not right

    Sum Ting Wong

    ———————

    Are you harboring a fugitive?

    Hu Yu Hai Ding

    ——————–

    See me ASAP

    Kum Hia Nao

    —————-

    Small Horse

    Tai Ni Po Ni

    —————-

    Did you go to the beach?

    Wai Yu So Tan

    ——————–

    I bumped into a coffee table

    Ai Bang Mai Ni

    ——————–

    I think you need a face lift

    Chin Tu Fat

    ——————–

    It’s very dark in here

    Wai So Dim

    ——————-

    I thought you were on a diet

    Wai Yu Mun Ching

    ——————–

    This is a tow away zone

    No Pah Ki ng

    ——————

    Our meeting is scheduled for next week

    Wai Yu Kum Nao

    ——————-
    Staying out of sight

    Lei Ying Lo

    ———————-

    He’s cleaning his automobile

    Wa Shing Ka

    —————————

    Great

    Su Pa

    Reply
  8. emz

    Some of you may have read these. A friend forwarded it to me. Editor, chop if needed. Enjoy reading.
    Top Pinoy Business Names

    1. Parlor in San Juan is named “Cut & Face”.
    2. Wholesaler of balut in Sto.Tomas, Batangas: “Starducks”.
    3. Fast food eatery in Nueva Ecija: “Violybee”
    4. Internet cafe opened among squatters named “Cafe Pindot”.
    5. In Manila , there’s a laundry named, “Summa Cum Laundry”.
    6. Petshop in Ortigas: “Pussies and Bitches”.
    7. A pet shop in Kamuning: “Pakita Mo Pet Mo”.
    8. Bakery: “Bread Pit”.
    9. Bank in Alabang: “Alabank”.
    10. Restaurant in Pampanga named, “Mekeni Rogers”.
    11. Restaurant in Pasig : “Johnny’s Fried Chicken: The ‘Fried’ of Marikina”.
    12. A boxing gym: “Blow Jab”.
    13. A tombstone maker in Antipolo: “Lito Lapida”.
    14. A copy center in Sikatuna Village called “Pakopya ni Edgar”.
    15. A beerhouse in Cavite called, “Chickpoint” .
    16. Laundromat in Sikatuna: ” Star Wash : Attack of the Clothes”.
    17. Internet cafe in Taguig named, “n@kopi@”.
    18. Name of a kambingan, “Sa Goat Kita”.
    19. A salon somewhere, “Curl Up And Dye”.
    20. A lugawan in Sta. Maria, Bulacan: “Gee Congee”.
    21. A water refilling station in Dapitan named “Wa-Thirst”.
    22. A store selling feeds for chickens: “Robocock”.
    23. Shoe repair in Marikina : “Dr. Shoe-Bago”.
    24. Shoe repair store along Commonwealth, “SHOEPERMAN: we will HEEL you,
    save your SOLE, and even DYE for you”.
    25. Petshop: “Petness First”
    26. Flower shop: “Susan’s Roses”.
    27. Taxicab: “Income Taxi”.
    28. A 2nd hand watch store: “2nd Time Around”.
    29. A squid stall in a wet market: “Pusit to the Limit”.
    30. A shrimp store: “Hipon Coming Back”.
    31. A gay lawyer’s extension office: ” Nota Republic “.
    32. A ceiling installer: ” Kisame Street “.
    33. A car repair shop: “Bangga ka ‘day?”
    34. An aquatic pet store in Malolos: “Fish Be With You”.
    35. A fishball cart named, “Poke Poke”.
    36. A beauty salon: “Saudia Hairlines”.
    37. A bakery: “Anak Ng Tinapay”.
    38. A resto along Mayon road in Manila : “May Lisa Eatery”.
    39. Laundry shop: “Wash Your Problem”.
    40. This mobile massage business name isn’t funny, but
    their slogan is: “Asian Mobile Massage Service: Massage only, God is
    watching”.
    41. Ice cream parlor: “Dila Lang Ang Katapat”.
    42. Chicharon store: “Chicha Hut”.
    43. Neighborhood pizza store: “Pizza Hot”.
    44. A fishball cart near UST: “Eat My Balls”.
    45. A barbershop in Cagayan de Oro: “Pinoy Big Barber”.
    46. A Resto: “The Last Supper”.
    47. A goto resto: “Goto Ko Pa!”
    48. A peanut vendor’s cart with a funny name: “Mani ni Papa”.
    49. A gym in Malolos: ” Gaymann Fitness Center “.
    50. My brother’s party needs business: “Balloon-Balloonan” .
    51. A Chinese restaurant in Pasig : “Lah-Fang”.
    52. A store selling fresh chicken, owned by woman named Dina: “Dina Fresh
    Chicken”.
    53. An actual bait and tackle shop in U.S. : “The Master Baiter”.
    54. Panaderia: “Trimonay Bakeshop”.
    55. Salon: “Hair Dot Comb”.
    56. Signage on a restaurant: “We are open 25 hrs. a day – no lunch/dinner breaks!”

    Reply
  9. emz

    Hehehe, stop me from posting silliness…from a FEmail list member…
    FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS).

    I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
    ________________________________
    Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
    ________________________________
    Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
    _____________________________
    The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
    ______________________________

    The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
    _______________________________

    To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
    ________________________________

    When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
    ________________________________

    The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
    ________________________________

    A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
    ________________________________

    A thief fell into wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
    ________________________________

    Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
    ________________________________

    We’ll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
    ________________________________

    When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A.
    ________________________________

    The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
    ________________________________
    The geology professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
    ________________________________

    The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
    ________________________________

    If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
    ________________________________

    A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
    ________________________________

    A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
    ________________________________

    A will is a dead giveaway.
    _______________________________

    Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
    ________________________________

    A backward poet writes inverse.
    ________________________________
    In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.
    ________________________________

    A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
    ________________________________

    If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
    ________________________________

    With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
    ________________________________

    Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.
    ________________________________

    When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
    ________________________________

    The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
    ________________________________
    A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France , resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
    _______________________________

    You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
    ________________________________

    Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
    ________________________________

    He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
    ______________________________

    A calendar’s days are numbered.
    ________________________________

    A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.
    ________________________________

    A boiled egg is hard to beat.
    _______________________________

    He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
    ________________________________

    A plateau is a high form of flattery.
    ________________________________

    If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine .
    ________________________________

    When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
    ________________________________

    Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
    ________________________________

    Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

    🙂

    Reply
  10. hehehe

    Ammoyo idi immayak ditoy England adu ti words nga sabali no ikumpara dita Pilipinas ken America…ket adu ti experience dagitoy kakadwa ditoy nga storya ngem amin dagitoy ket agpayso nga naaramid.

    Ilocano England America
    pilid tyre tire
    paabangan to let for rent
    tubig wah-ah water
    kasilyas toilet comfort room
    rugit litter trash

    Ni Manong Onsoy (Onsoy kunakon a tapnon di mabainan diay tao) kano idi tawen nga 1970 immay ditoy london ket surat kano nga surat diay balayda ngem idi adda nagawid nga gayyem na kuna dagidiay parents na nga di pay agsursurat kaniada. ket idi agsubli diay gayyem na ket imbaga na nga di ka pay kano agsursurat kuna dagidiay parents mo. insungbat met ni manong onsoy ket suratak nga surat a dinominggo. apay dino aya ti pangitintinnagam ti surat mo? dita man litter box dita baba kunana…bigla nga immisem diay gayyem na a nasdaaw..apay ket kinunana “isu met laeng a nga dida maaw-awat ta surat mo ta basuraan met gayam ti pangitentennagam” ket kunana met idiay nga litter box…bwahahahaha! no adda napasagidan ditoy nga storya ket di koma makaunget ta agpayso daytoy a naaramid hi hi hi hi!

    Ni met manang banang (banang kunakon a ta narigat no mabainan diay tao) kasasao na kano diay amo na diay telepono ket yes kano nga yes ti sungbat na ken diay amo da…ket idi imbaba na diay teleponon ket kunana ken lakay na nga adda diay abayna…”anya ti imbaganan lakay?” diak ammo ah no sika met ti kasasao na dita telepono yes ka pay nga yes….bwahahhahahha! agpayso man daytoyen nga storya.

    makais-isbo la unay manen ni tonyo nga kasang-sangpet nag-gapu pinas ket idi mag-magna da nga agkabagis kinunana “pay ta innak umisbo”…so nga napan a dagus immuneg diay ruangan a napaskilan ti “to let” ngem rimmuar met la dagus..ni apay nag-biit ka man..wen a ta sal-bag met dagita adda dita uneg ta awan kano ti toilet dita uneg ket kunana met dita ruar nga “to let” hi hi hi hi! “for rent” gayam ti kayatna sawen bwahahahaha!

    Reply
  11. barito

    Pedro: Alam mo, yung pusa namin, kahit nakalagay sa lamesa at walang
    takip ang ulam namin, hindi kinakain!
    Juan: Maniwala ako?!
    Pedro: Totoo!
    Juan: Ano ba ang ulam nyo?
    Pedro: Asin!
    ————————————————————–
    Ama: Bakit ka umiiyak?
    Anak: Pumasa po kasi ako sa test. Huhuhu!
    Ama: Aba , magaling! Anong subject yun, anak?
    Anak: Pregnancy test po itay!
    ————————————————————–
    Erap at Starbucks.
    Erap: Waiter, isang kape nga!
    Waiter: Sir, decaf ho ba?
    Erap: Syempre! Bobo! Lahat ng kape, de cup!
    Bakit, may nakaplato ba?!
    bwahahahaha!

    Reply
  12. randyhandy

    Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

    One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to talk and before they know it, several hours have passed.

    After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, “Do you know what I miss most of all?”

    She asks, “What?”

    “Sex!!” he replies.

    Mildred exclaims, “Why you old fart. You couldn’t get it up if I held a gun to your head!”

    “I know,” Harold says, “but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while.”

    Well, I can oblige,” says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

    Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold’s manhood. Then one night Harold didn’t show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.

    She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold’s manhood!

    Furious, Mildred yelled, “You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I don’t have?”

    Old Harold smiled happily and replied, “Parkinson’s”

    ayos, he he he he!

    Reply
  13. Jeanette Post author

    LOL! This is fun, guys…

    Here’s more classic pinoy jokes:

    Mrs. Tanoy is a very kuripot Ilocana. When her husband died, she inquired with the newspaper, asking the price for the obituary.
    The ad taker said: “300 pesos for 5 words.”
    She said: “Pwede ba 2 words lang? “Tanoy dead””
    Ad taker: “No mam. 5 words is the minimum.”
    After thinking for a while, Mrs. Tanoy said: “Ok, para sulit, ilagay mo,
    “TANOY DEAD, TOYOTA FOR SALE ”
    ———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— —–
    Boy: Nay may ulam ba tayo?
    Nanay: Tignan mo na lang dyan sa ref, anak.
    Boy: Eh wala naman tayong ref, di ba?
    Nanay: O, e di wala tayong ulam. Konting common sense naman dyan!
    ———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——
    Caloy: Tay ,di ba sabi mo bibigyan mo ko ng P100 pag pumasa ako sa Math?
    Tatay: Oo. Bakit, pumasa ka ba?
    Caloy: Gud news, tay! Di ka na gagastos ng P100.
    ————
    Erap: Kalokohan! Di ako naniniwala! Walang taong ganun kataba!
    Loi: San ang balitang yan?
    Erap: Dito sa dyaryo. Sabi; “British tourist lost 2000 pounds.”
    ———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— —–
    MMDA (with pen and ticket to a traffic violator):
    Name?
    Foreigner Driver: Wilhelm Von Corgrinski Papakovitz.
    MMDA: Ahhh okay…(sabay tago ticket)…Next time be careful, ok?
    ———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——
    BF: Sunduin kita mamaya ha. Bubusina nalang ako pag nasa harap nako ng bahay nyo.
    GF: Cge. Anong sasakyan ang dala mo?
    BF: Wala. Busina lang…
    ———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——
    Nag-aapply si Tomas na security guard…
    Interviewer: Ang kailangan namin ay taong laging may suspicious mind, highly alert, insistent personality, strong sense of hearing with a killer instinct. Sa tingin mo ba qualified ka?
    Tomas: Sa palagay ko po hindi. Pwede po bang yun misis ko nalang ang mag-apply?
    ———— —–
    Junior: Nay, bibili ako ng HIGH CAKE.
    Nanay: Hindi high cake, anak. HOT CAKE yun.
    Junior: Ok nay, watever. Pahingi nalang ng barya.
    Nanay: Sige, kumuha ka nalang dyan sa SOLDIER bag.
    ———— —–
    Sa isang ospital…
    Lola (may cancer) : Doc, anong gagawin nyo sa akin?
    Doc : Che-chemo lola.
    Lola : Titi mo rin!!! Bastos ka!! walang modo!!
    ———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——
    A lizard fell on a table.
    UP: Oh! reptila scincidae;
    Assumption: Eew, lizard!;
    Ateneo: Shit, butiki!;
    Miriam: Shucks, butiks!;
    La Salle: Yuck! Lacoste!;
    STI: Pare, ulam!
    ———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——
    Pablo: Alam mo, yung pusa namin, kahit nakalagay sa lamesa
    at walang takip ang ulam namin, hindi kinakain!
    Juan: Maniwala ako?!
    Pablo: Totoo!
    Juan: Ano ba ang ulam nyo?
    Pablo: Asin!

    Reply
  14. Jer

    If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you’ll begin to think you’re a genius.

    ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

    (On September 17, 1994, Alabama’s Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
    Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
    Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,”
    –Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
    ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
    “Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”
    –Mariah Carey
    ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
    “Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life,”
    — Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .
    ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
    “I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,”
    –Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
    ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
    “Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,”
    –Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

    “That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it,”
    –A congressional candidate in Texas .
    ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

    “Half this game is ninety percent mental.”
    –Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
    ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

    “It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”
    –Al Gore, Vice President
    ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

    “I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix .”
    — Dan Quayle
    ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

    “We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?”
    –Lee Iacocca
    ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

    “The word “genius” isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”

    –Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
    ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

    “We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.”
    — Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.
    ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

    “Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.”
    –Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
    ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
    “Traditionally, most of Australia ‘s imports come from overseas.”
    –Keppel Enderbery
    ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

    “If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record.”
    –Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
    ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

    Reply
  15. TimMckee

    1 binatilyo pumasok sa isang gay bar. Nalaman ng nanay niya at nagalit
    Nanay: ano naman ang nakita mo dun na di mo dapat makita?
    Binatilyo: si Tatang po gumigiling.

    Bush: What are the pollutants in your country?
    Jingoy: We have lots of pollutants.. ..we have sisig, kilawin,
    chicharon,mani
    Erap: Anak, may nakalimutan ka, Boy Bawang (cornik).

    Tindero: Hoy, bili ka gatas ng baka? P10 piso lang isang baso
    Manong: Ang mahal naman, may tig piso lang nyan?
    Tindero: Meron po, pero kayo na po ang dumede sa baka.

    Pasyente: Dok, bakit po ganito ang operasyon sa ulo ko? Halos kita na utak ko
    Doctor: Ok lang yan, yan ang tinatawag na open minded.

    A naked girl rode on a taxi
    “Bakit” asked the girl at the driver na nakatitig sa katawan nya
    “Ngayon ka lang ba nakakita ng hubad?”
    Driver: “Hindi po miss, iniisip ko lang kung saan nakatago pamasahe mo”

    Wife shouting…. . “Honey mag-impake ka na, nanalo ako sa lotto”
    Husband: “Wow, anong dadalhin ko?”
    Wife: “Wala akong pakialam basta lumayas ka na”

    Reply
  16. Jer

    Sa Math Class…
    Teacher: Banong, kung meron akong 1 piraso ng karne at hinati ko ito, ilang
    piraso na?
    Banong: 2 po mam!
    Teacher: At kung hnati ko pa pareho?
    Banong: 4 na piraso po!
    Teacher: Hinati ko ulit.
    Banong: 8 piraso po.
    Teacher: Hinati ko pa.
    Banong: 16 po mam.
    Teacher: Hinati ko pa?
    Banong: 32 piraso na po!
    Teacher: Kung hinati ko ulit?
    Banong: 64 po! (nakangiti)
    Teacher: At hinati ko pa? 2 beses ko pang hinati?
    Banong: Ay susmaryosep mam! GINILING napo! GINILING!!!

    SA BAKERY…
    Pulubi: Palimos po ng cake.
    Ale: Aba, sosyal ka ah! Namalimos ka lang, gusto mo pang cake.. eto
    pandesal!
    Pulubi: Duh! Ate?! Bday ko kaya today?!?

    ANAK: Tay mag-ingat kayo sa DANKTRAK!.
    TATAY: ano ung danktrak?
    ANAK: Yunn pong trak na 10 ang gulong na karga buhangin…
    TATAY: Tanga inde danktrak un…TEN MILLER!!!

    Honeymoon:
    BRIDE: Kinakabahan ako. Baka di ko makaya.. Parang natatakot ako.
    GROOM- Kaya mo ito. Diba dati may alaga kang ahas?
    BRIDE- Oo nga, pero takot talaga ako sa UOD!!

    BOY: Wala akong kwentang anak para sa inyo! Lahat ng ginagawa ko puro mali!
    Lagi nalang ako mali!!! Di ‘nyo na ako mahal!
    AMA: Nagkakamali ka anak…
    BOY: Shet! Mali na naman ako!!!

    Nanay: Ang lakas mo kumain pero di ka mautusan. Ang kapal mo!
    Anak: Kapag yung baboy natin mlakas kumain, natutuwa ka. Sino b talaga ang
    anak mo, ako o ung baboy? Umayos ka nay! Wag ganun!

    BF : May ibibigay akong gift sayo, pero hulaan mo muna!
    GF: Sige, clue naman…
    BF: Kailangan ito ng leeg mo.
    GF: Kwintas?
    BF: Hindi… PANGHILOD! SMILE!!!

    (Sa loob ng Mall)
    GUY: LOVE, yan ang dati kong girlfriend.
    Jowa: Ang pangit pangit naman!
    GUY: Wala akong magagawa, yan talaga ang weakness ko ever since…

    JUDGE: Ano ba talaga nangyari?
    ERAP: … (di nagsasalita)
    JUDGE: Sumagot ka sa tanong.
    ERAP: Naman eh!!! Kala ko ba hearing lang to??? Bakit may speaking?

    NARS: doc, bat tinanggihan nyo yung pasyente?
    DR: alin, yung bakla?
    NARS: opo. Baka sabihin namimili tayo, porket bading siya.
    DR: ano naman raraspahin ko sa kanya?

    Things you don’t want to hear during your own surgery:
    -san yung gunting na bago? Bat may kalawang to?
    -10ml? may nakasurvive na ba dyan? Sabi ko 5ml lang!
    -doc, ubos na po pala yung anesthesia.
    -kanina pa bukas yung tiyan, asan yung pantahi?
    -sunog! Sunog! Labas lahat!
    =========
    inspiring quote of the day:
    “hindi ako tamad. Hindi ko lang alam kung saan ko ibubuhos kasipagan ko.”
    =========
    ‘dear te, dear te, dear te!!!’
    -sigaw ni Anabel Rama kay Lorin at Veniz (mga anak ni Rofa) habang
    naglalaro ng tubig sa kanal.
    =========
    MRS: hon, am I pretty or ugly?
    MR: uhm.. both..
    MRS: anong both? Pwedeng pretty and ugly?
    MR: ang ibig ko sabihin, you’re pretty ugly.
    =========
    AMO: inday, paalisin mo nga yung pulubi sa labas ng bahay.
    (nilabas ni Inday)
    INDAY: off you go! Under no circumstance this house would relent to such unabashed display of vagrant destitution!
    PULUBI: oh! I’m so ashamed! Such a mansion of social climbing freaks!
    (nakakuha na ng katapat si Inday!)
    NOSEBLEED!!! .hehehe
    ==========
    TRIVIA: do you know how they make rubber gloves in China ?
    Workers deep their hands into melted latex, then air-dry them.
    Now guess how they make condoms?
    ===========
    in a miss gay pageant:
    HOST: how can we uplift our economy today even though we are under economic crisis?
    BAKLA: (namutla) mga bakla! Akala ko ba miss gay ito? Quizbee pala!
    ===========
    Sexy girl nagkukumpisal:
    PARI: iha, ano ang iyong ikukumpisal?
    SEXY: father, pag nakakarinig po ako ng lalaking nagmumura di ko mapigilan sarili ko na yayain siya magsex!
    PARI: ‘tang ina! Di nga?
    ===========
    The Philippine presidents flying in a plane.
    GMA: what if I throw a check for a million pesos out the window to make at least 1 Filipino happy?
    CORY: but my dear, why don’t you throw 2 checks for half a million each and thus make 2 Filipinos happy?
    RAMOS: why not throw four checks for a quarter of a million each and make four Filipinos happy?
    And on it went until finally, Erap blurts out:
    “but madam president, why not simply throw yourself out of the window and make all the Filipinos happy?”
    ============
    a great example of globalization: princess Diana, a Welsh princess with an Egyptian fiancé, crashed in a French tunnel while riding in a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, chased by Italian paparazzis on Japanese big bikes. An American doctor
    tried to save them using Brazilian meds. This message was made by a Filipino on a Finnish Nokia phone smuggled from China by a Pakistani based in Quiapo.
    ============
    MEKANIKO: sir, hindi ko po naayos preno ng kotse niyo.
    CUSTOMER: ha?! Pano yan?
    MEKANIKO: nilakasan ko na lang po ang inyong busina! Happy trip na lang po!
    ============ =
    kung nag GAY LANGUAGE sana sila GMA at GARCI eh di walang SCAM!

    GMA: hallow gracia!
    GARCI: uy mother ever! Na chenilyn de kimberlyn ko na po yung mga chuva eke
    k.
    GMA: bonggacious! Eh yung mga chenes chenes, carry na ba?
    GARCI: flatshoes! Winnie santos mama, wiz na wori eclavou na ever! Na
    chorva na!
    GMA: ang tarushki! Maldita ka talaga vruha ka! Eh di windra na naman
    watashi?!
    GARCI: anufi ate.
    GMA: oshah ba.
    ============
    Divorced father: anak pag-uwi mo bigay mo sa nanay mo itong cheke at sabihin mo 18 yrs old ka na, huling cheke na makukuha niya for child support tapos tignan mo kung ano ang expression ng face niya. Anak: mom, sabi ni dad bigay ko daw sayo itong cheke, last support na niya ito sakin kasi 18 na ako. Pagkatapos tignan ko daw expression ng face mo.
    Mom: sa susunod na pagbisita mo sa kanya paki sabi salamat sa suporta kahit di mo siya tatay! Pagkatapos tignan mo expression ng face niya!
    ============
    Anong sabi ng centipede nung may nakasalubong siyang isang centipede?
    “uy pare. Apir!apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir!
    apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!…. ……
    ============
    a boss confused about his Math asked his secretary:
    If I give you P3M less 17%, how much would you take off?
    SECRETARY: everything sir! Dress, bra, panty!
    ============
    TEACHER: mga bata, alam niyo ba na ang bawat butil ng palay ay galing sa dugo’t pawis ng mga magsasaka?
    MGA BATA: eeewwww!
    ============
    BOY: is this your first time?
    GIRL: (angrily) oo naman noh. You guys talaga. So kuleeet! Always asking me the same question. Paulit-ulit. Hmp!
    ============
    magsyota sa motel.
    BF: alam mo love, ikaw ang first girl na dinala ko dito.
    GF: sinungaling. Sabi nila lagi ka dito!
    BF: oo, pero ikaw lang talaga ang girl!
    ============
    STUDENT: ma’am, pagagalitan niyo po ba ako sa bagay na hindi ko naman ginawa?
    TEACHER: natural hindi.
    STUDENT: good, di ko po ginawa assignment ko!
    ============
    TITSER: bat ka na-late?
    EDWARD: nawalan ho kasi ng 500 yung lalaki.
    TITSER: tinulungan mo siyang maghanap?
    EDWARD: hindi po, tinapakan ko lang hanggang umalis siya.

    ============
    a thirsty city girl went to a barrio
    GIRL: where galling your water manong?
    MATANDA: sa ilog ineng.
    GIRL: ha? You drink that water manong?
    MATANDA: duhhh! Why, sa syudad ba chine-chew?
    ============ =
    DEATH of MR.BEAN’S MOTHER
    Mr Bean: (crying) the doctor just called up, my mom’s dead.
    Friend: condolence, my friend.
    (after 2 minutes, Mr. Bean cries even louder.)
    Friend: what now, Mr. Bean?
    Mr Bean: my sister just called. Her mom died too.
    ============ =
    NOEL: ipapangalan ko sa aking anak ” LEON ” baliktad ng Noel.
    NINO: sa akin ONIN baliktad ng NINO.
    TOTO: wag niyo akong maisali-sali dyan sa usapan niyo!
    ============ =
    Sinoli ni Erap ang libro sa library.
    ERAP: sobrang dami ng characters wala naman storya.
    LIBRARIAN: kayo pala kumuha ng telephone directory namin!
    ============ =
    JAIME ZOBEL DE AYALA: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Spanish.
    HENRY SY: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Chinese.
    LITO ATIENZA: 1/2 Hawaiian, 1/2 Polo.
    MIKE ARROYO: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 pork.
    JOHN OSMENA: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Pinay.
    PROSPERO PICHAY: 1/2 Unggoy, 1/2 gulay.
    GMA: 1/2 … only.
    ============ ==
    MR: hon promise simula ngayon, iiwan ko na ang mga kabit ko.
    MRS: wow. Thank you love. Ako naman, I promise, ang susunod nating anak,
    ikaw na ang ama. Promise talaga.
    ============ ==
    sa sabungan, walang entrance fee ang may dalang panabong. Si Juan para makalibre pumasok may dalang inahin.
    BANTAY: [sinita si Juan] ano yan?
    JUAN: [galit pa!] manok!
    BANTAY: alam ko, eh bakit inahin?
    JUAN: may laban ang mister niya, siyempre moral support bobo!
    ============ ==
    GF: magaling! At sino tong baby na nagtext sayo?
    BF: ah eh kumpare ko yun! Lalake yun! Baby lang palayaw.
    GF: oh eto replyan mo. Hindi daw kayo tuloy at may mens daw ang tarantado!
    ============ ==
    INA: anak, tawagan mo nga tatay mo sa celfon. Pauwiin mo dito.
    [pagkatapos tawagan.]
    ANAK: nay, babae po ang sumagot.
    INA: lintik, sinasabi ko na nga ba, may tinatago yang tatay mo eh! Anong sabi?
    ANAK: ‘you only have zero pesos in your account…’ hindi ko na tinapos nay mukhang matapobre.
    ============ ==
    nagbubungkal ng lupa si Erap para magtanim. Akala ng nakakita niloloko lang siya dahil wala naman siyang tinatanim.
    BANTAY: sir, wala naman kayong tinatanim ah.
    ERAP: bobo! Seedless to!
    ============ ==
    ANAK: nay, ano po ba yung 10 commandments?
    NANAY: yun yung sampung utos ng Diyos.
    ANAK: mas makapangyarihan pa po pala kayo sa Diyos eh!
    NANAY: bakit?
    ANAK: ang dami niyong utos eh!
    ============ ==
    HISTORY 101:
    JUDAS: anong gimik yang hinuhugasan ni Magda ang paa ni Bossing?
    PETER: wag kang makialam, darating ang araw at tatawagin yang FOOT SPA.
    ============ ==
    PEDRO: niloko ko yung tindera kanina.
    JUAN: paano mo naman niloko yung tindera?
    PEDRO: nagpaload ako eh wala naman akong celfon.
    ============ ==
    paramihan ng anak.
    HAPONESA: pumasok, bitbit 10 anak.
    (palakpakan)
    AMERIKANA: pumasok, bitbit 20 anak.
    (palakpakan)
    PINAY: pumasok, sigawan ang audience! “GO NAY!!”

    DORAY: mare, kulang pa kami ng isang miyembro. baka gusto mong sumali sa paluwagan.
    PINANG : hindi pa ako pwede, mare.
    DORAY: bakit mare?
    PINAY: virgin pa kasi ako.
    ============ ====
    ERAP SA PIZZA HUT
    WAITER: sir, do you want me to cut your pizza into 4 slices or 8 slices?
    ERAP: into four na lang, masyadong marami yung eight. di ko mauubos.
    ============ ===
    AMO: inday, kunin mo nga yung VOGUE magazine!
    INDAY: mam, vogyu hindi vog.
    AMO: inday, vog ang tamang pagbigkas.
    INDAY: o sige na nga mam VOG na, there’s no need to ARG.
    ============ ===
    pano sasabihin sa isang girl na maitim ang kili-kili niya without hurting his feelings?
    “ganda ng deodorant mo ha, kiwi?”
    ============ ===
    Si Erap nakabasag ng vase sa Museum, yung attendant nataranta.
    ATTENDANT: naku sir, more than 500 years old na po yang vase.
    ERAP: hay salamat. Akala ko bago!
    ============ ===
    Overheard from a girl na galit sa kararating na boyfriend sa starbucks:
    GIRL: my God, you’re so late. Where did you . . . where have you. . . where do you. . . san ka ba galing?
    ============ ===
    Sa Math Class…
    Teacher: Banong, kung meron akong 1 piraso ng karne at hinati ko ito, ilang
    piraso na?
    Banong: 2 po mam!
    Teacher: At kung hnati ko pa pareho?
    Banong: 4 na piraso po!
    Teacher: Hinati ko ulit.
    Banong: 8 piraso po.
    Teacher: Hinati ko pa.
    Banong: 16 po mam.
    Teacher: Hinati ko pa?
    Banong: 32 piraso na po!
    Teacher: Kung hinati ko ulit?
    Banong: 64 po! (nakangiti)
    Teacher: At hinati ko pa? 2 beses ko pang hinati?
    Banong: Ay susmaryosep mam! GINILING napo! GINILING!!!
    SA BAKERY…

    Pulubi: Palimos po ng cake.
    Ale: Aba, sosyal ka ah! Namalimos ka lang, gusto mo pang cake.. eto
    pandesal!
    Pulubi: Duh! Ate?! Bday ko kaya today?!?

    ANAK: Tay mag-ingat kayo sa DANKTRAK!.
    TATAY: ano ung danktrak?
    ANAK: Yunn pong trak na 10 ang gulong na karga buhangin…
    TATAY: Tanga inde danktrak un…TEN MILLER!!!

    Honeymoon:
    BRIDE: Kinakabahan ako. Baka di ko makaya.. Parang natatakot ako.
    GROOM- Kaya mo ito. Diba dati may alaga kang ahas?
    BRIDE- Oo nga, pero takot talaga ako sa UOD!!

    BOY: Wala akong kwentang anak para sa inyo! Lahat ng ginagawa ko puro mali!
    Lagi nalang ako mali!!! Di ‘nyo na ako mahal!
    AMA: Nagkakamali ka anak…
    BOY: Shet! Mali na naman ako!!!

    Nanay: Ang lakas mo kumain pero di ka mautusan. Ang kapal mo!
    Anak: Kapag yung baboy natin mlakas kumain, natutuwa ka. Sino b talaga ang
    anak mo, ako o ung baboy? Umayos ka nay! Wag ganun!

    Magsyota naglalakad sa park:
    GF: Hon, ihi muna ako
    BF: Dyan ka nalang sa damuhan…
    Habang umiihi, kinapkap ni BF ang legs ni GF nang may mahawakan syang
    mahaba sa gitna nito…
    BF: Anak ng?! Bading ka ba o nagpalit na ng kasarian??
    GF: Sira! Nagpalit lang ako ng desisyon… Tumatae na ako…

    BF : May ibibigay akong gift sayo, pero hulaan mo muna!
    GF: Sige, clue naman…
    BF: Kailangan ito ng leeg mo.
    GF: Kwintas?
    BF: Hindi… PANGHILOD! SMILE!!!

    (Sa loob ng Mall)
    GUY: LOVE, yan ang dati kong girlfriend.
    Jowa: Ang pangit pangit naman!
    GUY: Wala akong magagawa, yan talaga ang weakness ko ever since…

    JUDGE: Ano ba talaga nangyari?
    ERAP: … (di nagsasalita)
    JUDGE: Sumagot ka sa tanong.
    ERAP: Naman eh!!! Kala ko ba hearing lang to??? Bakit may speaking?

    NARS: doc, bat tinanggihan nyo yung pasyente?
    DR: alin, yung bakla?
    NARS: opo. Baka sabihin namimili tayo, porket bading siya.
    DR: ano naman raraspahin ko sa kanya?

    =========
    things you don’t want to hear during your own surgery:
    -san yung gunting na bago? Bat may kalawang to?
    -10ml? may nakasurvive na ba dyan? Sabi ko 5ml lang!
    -doc, ubos na po pala yung anesthesia.
    -kanina pa bukas yung tiyan, asan yung pantahi?
    -sunog! Sunog! Labas lahat!
    =========
    inspiring quote of the day:
    “hindi ako tamad. Hindi ko lang alam kung saan ko ibubuhos kasipagan ko.”

    =========
    ‘dear te, dear te, dear te!!!’
    -sigaw ni Anabel Rama kay Lorin at Veniz (mga anak ni Rofa) habang
    naglalaro ng tubig sa kanal.
    =========
    MRS: hon, am I pretty or ugly?
    MR: uhm.. both..
    MRS: anong both? Pwedeng pretty and ugly?
    MR: ang ibig ko sabihin, you’re pretty ugly.
    =========
    TEACHER: okay class our lesson for today is science. What is science?
    PEDRO: ako ma’am! Ako ma’am!
    TEACHER: okay Pedro, what is science?
    PEDRO: science is our lesson for today.
    =========
    AMO: inday, paalisin mo nga yung pulubi sa labas ng bahay.
    (nilabas ni Inday)
    INDAY: off you go! Under no circumstance this house would relent to such
    unabashed display of vagrant destitution!
    PULUBI: oh! I’m so ashamed! Such a mansion of social climbing freaks!
    (nakakuha na ng katapat si Inday!)
    NOSEBLEED!!! .hehehe

    ==========
    TRIVIA: do you know how they make rubber gloves in China ?
    Workers deep their hands into melted latex, then air-dry them.
    Now guess how they make condoms?

    ===========
    in a miss gay pageant:
    HOST: how can we uplift our economy today even though we are under economic
    crisis?
    BAKLA: (namutla) mga bakla! Akala ko ba miss gay ito? Quizbee pala!
    ===========
    Sexy girl nagkukumpisal:
    PARI: iha, ano ang iyong ikukumpisal?
    SEXY: father, pag nakakarinig po ako ng lalaking nagmumura di ko mapigilan
    sarili ko na yayain siya magsex!
    PARI: ‘tang ina! Di nga?

    ===========
    The Philippine presidents flying in a plane.
    GMA: what if I throw a check for a million pesos out the window to make at
    least 1 Filipino happy?
    CORY: but my dear, why don’t you throw 2 checks for half a million each and
    thus make 2 Filipinos happy?
    RAMOS: why not throw four checks for a quarter of a million each and make
    four Filipinos happy?
    And on it went until finally, Erap blurts out:
    “but madam president, why not simply throw yourself out of the window and
    make all the Filipinos happy?”
    ============
    a great example of globalization: princess Diana, a Welsh princess with an
    Egyptian fiancé, crashed in a French tunnel while riding in a German car
    with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky,
    chased by Italian paparazzis on Japanese big bikes. An American doctor
    tried to save them using Brazilian meds. This message was made by a
    Filipino on a Finnish Nokia phone smuggled from China by a Pakistani based
    in Quiapo.
    ============
    1. Trulalu.
    2. eklavu
    3. eklavu.
    4. trulalu
    5. eklavu
    6. trulalu
    7. trulalu.
    8. eklavu
    9. trulalu
    10. trulalu
    -batang bading nagsasagot ng true or false na quiz.
    ============ =
    MEKANIKO: sir, hindi ko po naayos preno ng kotse niyo.
    CUSTOMER: ha?! Pano yan?
    MEKANIKO: nilakasan ko na lang po ang inyong busina! Happy trip na lang po!
    ============ =
    kung nag GAY LANGUAGE sana sila GMA at GARCI eh di walang SCAM!

    GMA: hallow gracia!
    GARCI: uy mother ever! Na chenilyn de kimberlyn ko na po yung mga chuva eke
    k.
    GMA: bonggacious! Eh yung mga chenes chenes, carry na ba?
    GARCI: flatshoes! Winnie santos mama, wiz na wori eclavou na ever! Na
    chorva na!
    GMA: ang tarushki! Maldita ka talaga vruha ka! Eh di windra na naman
    watashi?!
    GARCI: anufi ate.
    GMA: oshah ba.
    ============
    Divorced father: anak pag-uwi mo bigay mo sa nanay mo itong cheke at
    sabihin mo 18 yrs old ka na, huling cheke na makukuha niya for child
    support tapos tignan mo kung ano ang expression ng face niya.
    Anak: mom, sabi ni dad bigay ko daw sayo itong cheke, last support na niya
    ito sakin kasi 18 na ako. Pagkatapos tignan ko daw expression ng face mo.
    Mom: sa susunod na pagbisita mo sa kanya paki sabi salamat sa suporta kahit
    di mo siya tatay! Pagkatapos tignan mo expression ng face niya!
    ============
    BOY: dad, tulong naman sa assignment ko. Find the least common denominator
    daw.
    DAD: ha? aba’y elementary pa lang ako eh hinahanap na nila yan ah! Aba’y di
    pa ba nila nakikita?
    ============
    Anong sabi ng centipede nung may nakasalubong siyang isang centipede?
    “uy pare. Apir!apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir!
    apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!…. ……
    ============
    eto ang banat na malupet.
    GUY: miss, pinaglihi ka ba sa inidoro?
    GIRL: bakit?
    GUY: kasi ako pinaglihi sa tae. Nung nakita kita, di ko mapigilang mahulog!
    ============
    pen pen de chorvaloo de kemerloo de eklavoo, hao hao de chenelyn de big
    uten. Sifit dapat iipit, goldness filak chumuchorva sa tabi ng chenes!
    Shoyang ang fula, talong na fula, shoyang ang fute, talong na mafute, chuk
    chak chenes namo ek ek.
    -yan na naman ang mga batang bading! Ayaw paawat!
    ============
    imagine if all straight guys are talking in gay lingo.
    STUDENT: bakit di mo chinuva yung girlalu? Malaki naman ang susey ng lola
    mo ah.
    HUNK: Winnie cordero nga dude sa susey, Melanie marquez naman sa
    brainwaves. Wit na.
    Jaworski while coaching: keber sa kalaban! Just focus! We cannot afford to
    luz valdez ! Getlakin niyo yung last freethrow! Windangin yung mga julaban!
    Ok! Go for the gold to the highest level mga chorva! Gow lang! gow lang ng
    gow!
    ============
    BOY1: nkakakawa naman lola mo.
    BOY2: bakit?
    BOY1: nakasabay ko kasi magsimba nung isang araw, ubo ng ubo.
    Pinagtitinginan nga ng tao.
    BOY2: papansin lang yun!
    BOY1: bakit?
    BOY2: bago kasi blouse niya!
    ============
    a boss confused about his Math asked his secretary:
    If I give you P3M less 17%, how much would you take off?
    SECRETARY: everything sir! Dress, bra, panty!
    ============
    TEACHER: mga bata, alam niyo ba na ang bawat butil ng palay ay galing sa
    dugo’t pawis ng mga magsasaka?
    MGA BATA: eeewwww!
    ============
    BOY: is this your first time?
    GIRL: (angrily) oo naman noh. You guys talaga. So kuleeet! Always asking me
    the same question. Paulit-ulit. Hmp!
    ============
    magsyota sa motel.
    BF: alam mo love, ikaw ang first girl na dinala ko dito.
    GF: sinungaling. Sabi nila lagi ka dito!
    BF: oo, pero ikaw lang talaga ang girl!
    ============
    STUDENT: ma’am, pagagalitan niyo po ba ako sa bagay na hindi ko naman
    ginawa?
    TEACHER: natural hindi.
    STUDENT: good, di ko po ginawa assignment ko!
    ============
    PARI: halika sa sulok
    MADRE: bakit po?
    PARI: sara mo pinto.
    MADRE: wag po!
    PARI: patayin mo ilaw!
    MADRE: diyos ko po!
    PARI: tamo rosary ko. Glow in the dark!

    ============
    isang araw sa may tindahan.
    PULUBI: palimos po.
    TINDERO: wala po, patawad.
    PULUBI: sige na po, kahit magkano.
    TINDERO: sya sige! Eto, dos.
    PULUBI: salamat po ng marami. Isang Malboro nga po, yung menthol.
    ============
    TITSER: bat ka na-late?
    EDWARD: nawalan ho kasi ng 500 yung lalaki.
    TITSER: tinulungan mo siyang maghanap?
    EDWARD: hindi po, tinapakan ko lang hanggang umalis siya.

    ============
    sabi nung friend ko, nakakalaki daw ng tiyan ang beer. Kasi noon minsan
    nalasing siya, nabuntis siya!
    ============
    a thirsty city girl went to a barrio
    GIRL: where galling your water manong?
    MATANDA: sa ilog ineng.
    GIRL: ha? You drink that water manong?
    MATANDA: duhhh! Why, sa syudad ba chine-chew?
    ============ =
    DEATH of MR.BEAN’S MOTHER
    Mr Bean: (crying) the doctor just called up, my mom’s dead.
    Friend: condolence, my friend.
    (after 2 minutes, Mr. Bean cries even louder.)
    Friend: what now, Mr. Bean?
    Mr Bean: my sister just called. Her mom died too.
    ============ =
    NOEL: ipapangalan ko sa aking anak ” LEON ” baliktad ng Noel.
    NINO: sa akin ONIN baliktad ng NINO.
    TOTO: wag niyo akong maisali-sali dyan sa usapan niyo!
    ============ =
    Sinoli ni Erap ang libro sa library.
    ERAP: sobrang dami ng characters wala naman storya.
    LIBRARIAN: kayo pala kumuha ng telephone directory namin!
    ============ =
    JAIME ZOBEL DE AYALA: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Spanish.
    HENRY SY: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Chinese.
    LITO ATIENZA: 1/2 Hawaiian, 1/2 Polo.
    MIKE ARROYO: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 pork.
    JOHN OSMENA: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Pinay.
    PROSPERO PICHAY: 1/2 Unggoy, 1/2 gulay.
    GMA: 1/2 … only.
    ============ ==
    MR: hon promise simula ngayon, iiwan ko na ang mga kabit ko.
    MRS: wow. Thank you love. Ako naman, I promise, ang susunod nating anak,
    ikaw na ang ama. Promise talaga.
    ============ ==
    NUN: mother! I was raped. What shall I do?
    Mother SUPERIOR: here, take this calamansi.
    NUN: will this ease the pain?
    Mother SUPERIOR: sipsipin mo! Nang mawala ngiti sa mukha mo, gaga!
    ============ ==
    SA OSPITAL…..
    WIFE: hon, nahirapan ako huminga.
    HUSBAND: kung nahirapan ka ng huminga, itigil mo na.
    ============ ==
    ATE: pabili ng pilis.
    TINDERA: ano po?
    A: pilis po!
    T: ha? Dilis?
    A: pilis po.
    T: ano? Philip?
    A: pilis nga! Yung nudols.
    ============ ==
    sa sabungan, walang entrance fee ang may dalang panabong. Si Juan para
    makalibre pumasok may dalang inahin.
    BANTAY: [sinita si Juan] ano yan?
    JUAN: [galit pa!] manok!
    BANTAY: alam ko, eh bakit inahin?
    JUAN: may laban ang mister niya, siyempre moral support bobo!

    ============ ==
    GF: magaling! At sino tong baby na nagtext sayo?
    BF: ah eh kumpare ko yun! Lalake yun! Baby lang palayaw.
    GF: oh eto replyan mo. Hindi daw kayo tuloy at may mens daw ang tarantado!
    ============ ==
    INA: anak, tawagan mo nga tatay mo sa celfon. Pauwiin mo dito.
    [pagkatapos tawagan.]
    ANAK: nay, babae po ang sumagot.
    INA: lintik, sinasabi ko na nga ba, may tinatago yang tatay mo eh! Anong
    sabi?
    ANAK: ‘you only have zero pesos in your account…’ hindi ko na tinapos nay
    mukhang matapobre.
    ============ ==
    nagbubungkal ng lupa si Erap para magtanim. Akala ng nakakita niloloko lang
    siya dahil wala naman siyang tinatanim.
    BANTAY: sir, wala naman kayong tinatanim ah.
    ERAP: bobo! Seedless to!
    ============ ==
    ANAK: nay, ano po ba yung 10 commandments?
    NANAY: yun yung sampung utos ng Diyos.
    ANAK: mas makapangyarihan pa po pala kayo sa Diyos eh!
    NANAY: bakit?
    ANAK: ang dami niyong utos eh!

    ============ ==
    HISTORY 101:
    JUDAS: anong gimik yang hinuhugasan ni Magda ang paa ni Bossing?
    PETER: wag kang makialam, darating ang araw at tatawagin yang FOOT SPA.
    ============ ==
    PEDRO: niloko ko yung tindera kanina.
    JUAN: paano mo naman niloko yung tindera?
    PEDRO: nagpaload ako eh wala naman akong celfon.
    ============ ==
    paramihan ng anak.
    HAPONESA: pumasok, bitbit 10 anak.
    (palakpakan)
    AMERIKANA: pumasok, bitbit 20 anak.
    (palakpakan)
    PINAY: pumasok, sigawan ang audience! “GO NAY!!”
    ============ ===
    may nakakita sakin sa dalampasigan. malungkot at nagiisa. sabi niya, ‘kung
    mahal mo siya, bakit di mo ipadama?’ sumagot ako, ‘mahal ka diyan?!!!
    naiwan ako sa outing tanga.’
    ============ ===
    kung totoo ang ‘ Darwin ‘s theory of evolution’ na ang tao ay nagmula sa
    unggoy, bakit may mga taong mukhang kabayo?
    ============ ===
    DORAY: mare, kulang pa kami ng isang miyembro. baka gusto mong sumali sa
    paluwagan.
    PINANG : hindi pa ako pwede, mare.
    DORAY: bakit mare?
    PINAY: virgin pa kasi ako.
    ============ ====
    ERAP SA PIZZA HUT
    WAITER: sir, do you want me to cut your pizza into 4 slices or 8 slices?
    ERAP: into four na lang, masyadong marami yung eight. di ko mauubos.

    ============ ====
    summer job opportunities:
    package 1:
    -P5000/hour
    -enchanted kingdom
    -tagatulak ng anchor’s away.
    package 2:
    -P7000/day
    -palengke
    -tagalista ng noisy.
    package 3:
    -P800/minute
    -star city
    -tagahila ng roller coaster.
    package 4:
    -P900/minute.
    -for females only.
    – alaska milk.
    -substitute sa baka.
    oh pili na. mahirap maghanap ng trabaho.
    ============ ===
    AMO: inday, kunin mo nga yung VOGUE magazine!
    INDAY: mam, vogyu hindi vog.
    AMO: inday, vog ang tamang pagbigkas.
    INDAY: o sige na nga mam VOG na, there’s no need to ARG.
    ============ ===
    pano sasabihin sa isang girl na maitim ang kili-kili niya without hurting
    his feelings?
    “ganda ng deodorant mo ha, kiwi?”
    ============ ===
    Si Erap nakabasag ng vase sa Museum, yung attendant nataranta.
    ATTENDANT: naku sir, more than 500 years old na po yang vase.
    ERAP: hay salamat. Akala ko bago!
    ============ ===
    Overheard from a girl na galit sa kararating na boyfriend sa starbucks:
    GIRL: my God, you’re so late. Where did you . . . where have you. . . where
    do you. . . san ka ba galing?
    ============ ===
    ang tawag sa gumagawa ng tubo, tubero. Ang tawag sa kumukuha ng basura, basurero. Ang tawag sa mahilig sa gimik, gimikero. Sa maraming babae, babaero. Ang tawag sa nakaupo sa kanto. ? ……………………….Tambay pare, tambay!

    Reply
  17. Jer

    For the administrators or those who are planning to put up a new company .. try using this new company policies that will surely help in employee’s productivity level. Gudluck na lang..

    *Dress Code*

    It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
    If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

    If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore do not need a raise.

    If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore do not need a raise.

    *Sick Days*

    We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness.

    If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

    *Personal Days*

    Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

    *Toilet Use*

    Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls.

    At the end of the three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.

    After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offenders category”.

    Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company’s mental health policy!

    You are allowed to use the rest room only thrice a day and you have to swipe in and out from the toilet doors also.

    *Lunch Break*

    Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

    Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

    Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a slim fast.

    *Mails*

    Don’t read junk and forwarded mails.

    Thank you for your loyalty to our company.

    We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore,

    All questions, comments,concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

    The Management.

    Reply
  18. Jeanette Post author

    WHEN IT COMES TO “LAKAS LOOB” HINDI PATATALO ANG PINOY

    Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new Chairman for Microsoft Europe.
    5000 candidates assembled in a large room.

    One candidate was MARIO DIMAYUGA.

    Bill Gates: ‘Thank you for coming. Those who do not know jAVA may leave.’

    2,000 people left the room.

    MARIO said to himself, ‘I do not know JAVA but I have nothing to lose if I stay. I’ll give it a try.’

    Bill Gates: ‘Candidates who never had experience of managing more than 100 people may leave.’

    2000 people left the room.

    Mario said to himself, ‘I never managed anybody but myself but I have nothing to lose if I stay. What can happen to me?’ So he stayed.

    Bill Gates: ‘Candidates who do not have management diplomas may leave.’

    500 people left the room.

    Mario said to himself, ‘I left school at 15 but what have I got to
    lose?’ So he stayed in the room.

    Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbo-Croat to leave.

    498 people left the room.

    Mario says to himself, ‘I do not speak one word of Serbo-Croat but what do I have to lose?’

    So he stayed and found himself with one other candidate.

    Everyone else had gone.

    Bill Gates joined them and said ‘Apparently you two are the only candidates who speak Serbo-Croat, so I’d now like to hear you converse in that language.’

    Calmly, Mario turned to the other candidate and said,

    ‘Kumusta ka, pare ko.’

    The other candidate answered,

    ‘Mabuti naman, ikaw?’

    Reply
  19. emz

    An afwj friend shared this through our email list…worth thinking about, hehe. Who do you side with?
    —————-
    A friend sent me this joke today, and I thought I`d pass this one.
    If you haven`t had a laugh today, here goes:

    A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

    ‘House’ for instance, is feminine: ‘la casa.’

    ‘Pencil,’ however, is masculine: ‘el lapiz.’

    A student asked, ‘What gender is ‘computer’?’

    Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer’ should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

    Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

    The men’s group decided that ‘computer’ should definitely be of the feminine gender (‘la computadora’ ), because:

    1. No one but their creator understands their logic;

    2. The language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

    3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

    4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

    The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (‘el computador’) , because:

    1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

    2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;

    3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

    4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better one.

    The women won.

    Hak hak hak hak!

    Reply
  20. boydict

    PARENTAL GUIDANCE

    Once there was a family who was given some venison by a friend. The wife cooked up the DEER steaks, and served it to the husband and children. The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what it was that they were eating.
    “Is is beef?” The daughter Katie asked.
    “Nope.”
    “Is it pork?” the son Willie asked.
    “Nope.”
    “Heck, we don’t know, Dad!” Willie exclaimed.
    “I’ll give you a clue,” the Dad said, “It’s what your mom sometimes calls me.”
    “Spit it out, Willie!” cried Katie, “We’re eating Asshole!”
    =======================================
    A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.
    “Have you any last requests?” asked the Chaplain.
    “Yes,” replied the murderer. “Will you hold my hand?”

    Reply
  21. emz

    Okay…I copied this from our e-list mail.(jill’s post) ..Sounds funny, so enjoy it. It’s application season again as lately, lots were laid off from jobs. How’s it going there in USA? This joke is about your seniors in the USA.
    ems
    —————————————–
    The job application E-mail
    This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen
    submitted to Wal-Mart in Porterville.
    They actually hired him because he was so honest and funny.

    NAME: George Martin
    SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least,
    one who’ll cooperate).
    DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But
    seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky,
    I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.DESIRED SALARY:
    $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance
    package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

    EDUCATION: Yes.
    LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
    PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I’m worth.
    MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and
    post-it notes.
    REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
    HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
    PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m.! Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
    DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a
    more intimate environment.
    MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
    DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM
    LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?
    DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would
    be “Do You have a car that runs?”
    HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? : I may already
    be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

    DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job – no, on my breaks – no.
    WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas
    with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I’m
    the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing
    that now.

    DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
    KNOWLEDGE?: Oh Yes, Absolutely.

    Reply
  22. PEMPEM

    TITLE: who is pinoy
    pinoy ka kung may tabo ka sa banyo, pinoy ka kung kung ang tawag mo sa pa photo copy ay pe xerox… Pinoy ka kung mahilig kang mag almusal ng kanin … na minsan ang ulam mo ay kape… Pinoy ka kung mahilig ka sa Honda Civic na may “my shaldan” na air freshner… more of these jokes at WHO IS PINOY

    Reply
  23. SISIG

    CHECK THE MENU IN ONE OF THE FAMOUS RESTAURANT IN PALDIT 100% MAKMAKAN MNG JEANETTE.HEHE HE
    1.TAPSILOG-tapa@itlog
    2.TSUPA-tsokolate@pandesal
    3.SINGIT-sinigang@itlog
    4.FININGER-fish nuggets@beer
    5.PUKE-puto na may keso
    6.SALSAL-salmon@ensalada
    7.TITI-tinapa@tinapang baka
    8.SUBO PA-sugpo/bolalo/pansit
    9.PAKANTOT KA-paksiw/kanin/tortang talong/kamatis
    10.PAKANTOT IBAON MO PA-pakbet/kakanin/tuyo or tinapa,dine out!
    11.PEKPEK MO-pinekpekang manok
    12.HIMAS SUSO- hipon or sugpo w/ keso
    13.DILAAN MO- dinuguan,laing w/anchovy,mongo
    14.BOKA MO PA- bopis,kangkaong,mongo,paitan

    Reply

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